Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance

I'm having a quintessentially millennial daydream about a worm bin rn

inside every neurotic person there are two wolves: one always telling us we need to go to the ER when we do not, the other always telling us we do not need to go to the ER when we do

As an atheist, is it cultural appropriation for me to be a Flyleaf fan?

if you can't handle me at my sloppiest, u don't deserve me at my droppiest 💃

I like hokas because I thrive on cyclical instability

It is a little known fact that the common idiom "I've got your back" actually originated from the practice of applying sunscreen on your friend whenever they can't reach

"our present consciousness is like a soup of current and immediate past data"
- actual quote from me when I was wayyy too high like 12 years ago

marking the passage of time by the lunar cycles and the refillings of my pill organizers

My favorite compliment I've ever received:
"You have the kind of brain where if there were no tutorials, you would be able to figure it out."

Here at Target, we believe in the importance of staying in step with the evolving external landscape. However, it’s clear that our recent policy changes around DEI have missed the mark. Truthfully, we did not realize you queers had money

This came up because my boyfriend commented that Scrub Daddy was on Shark Tank and I asked him why "a sponge was on the aquarium show"

Up until literally twelve months ago I assumed that Shark Tank was a nice little competition show about who could construct the nicest shark aquarium

Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling ov...

Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society

My friends look at me with more concern when I tell them I use Afrin to treat a sniffle than they would if I told them I was using hard drugs

✨ I only eat free-range organic microplastics ✨

What doesn't kill you flares up and tries again

Love the flannel pants!!

The Mars rover has found a new zone on the planet surface that contains "a diverse array of rocks" and it's adorable how excited NASA is about it

[true story]

Psychiatrist: *poised to document my response with a mechanical pencil* if I could prescribe you a magic pill today, what would it do for you? 🧐🤔

Me (immediately): put 40 kilos on my deadlift

Psychiatrist: *puts the mechanical pencil down in defeat* that's... Not what I meant…

What gym buddy say: "I'm gonna do legs today"

What gym buddy do: arms

a rite of passage all my close friends will go through at some point is looking at compilations of yaoi hands with me

Fake book cover showing “Freedom to America Coragel” by Crob Glorbin that features an old white guy squinting off into the distance.

I kept seeing crappy political memoirs in my library app and they all look exactly like this.

Big bug with headphones in front of a computer "Chat, you're not gonna believe what happened to ya boy Gregor today!"

hillbilly is short for hilliam william. not many people know this

Bulgarian split squatting in Hokas is like doing ballet on a bosu ball

I am suffering from chronic foot in mouth disease 🤢

*washes down Xanax with an espresso shot*

Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second th...

Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All

eggs?? oh you mean large caviar

my polycule has a more robust and reliable on-call system than most hospitals