Forrest Plump

my object permanence sucks so I forget about you tbh

STOP THIS IS SO SAD BUT SO SWEET

Show me a picture on your phone that has your energy but isn’t a selfie

This email exchange could have been a knife fight

she was rare, like a shitposter who never cared when her skeets hit 69 likes

Right? It was so fucking funny, David. I could hear the tone and everything.

You’re right. You should be as well.

I had somebody tell me all 3 of his wives left their husbands for him

lol no red flags seen there either

My New Year’s resolution is to believe people when they say they’re a piece of shit

Gum stuck in the crease of my buttcheek again

You can shimmy down my chimney if you wanna

power in the tongue, use it properly

My hopelessness waves to your hopelessness.

boutta start writing my memoir called Diary of a People Pleaser coz y’all would not believe the shit I do for folks who don’t deserve it

I say I'm fine a lot for someone who's still alive

Truth.

Hahahahahaha goddammit, Ben-jammin. I laughed out loud.

Me: Did you cum?

Her: You’re stupid. You’re a stupid person.

Please accept my apology so I can do it again.

the muppets take alcatraz

you know, just livin’ the scream, man

the little bottom teeth of cats.

that’s all. that’s the post.

Damn girl are you a Dodge Ram? 'Cause no decent human being has ever been inside you

my soul mate? dont you need a soul

Even more magical when the guy is single 😍💕

The grunting gave him a fearboner and the next thing I knew, we were huddled over his phone shopping for rings

*surgeon after realizing they removed the wrong leg* uh oh spaghettios

People online will be like "do you even know who I AM in the Ducktales fanfic community??"

I’m sorry you watched me excitedly facefuck a McRib and fell in love

Men date women they hate so much they kill them