George Pete Caleodis

"I'm tired of following my dreams - I'm just gonna ask where they're going and meet up with them later."

- Mitch Hedberg

Hooters is opening a coffee shop chain -
it's called "Grounds for Divorce".

There is no missing dollar! Each guy paid $9; $27 = $25 for room + $2 for bell hop. All is accounted for. No reason it should be $30.

I didn't wash my car before not washing your car was cool.

Me:
Ah, there's nothing like a nice, quiet Tuesday night, eh?

Bartender:
Sir, it's Wednesday.

Me:
Set me up again.

people used to say "at large"
now they say "writ large"
this is how I know we've jumped timelines

Optomist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Me:
Oh great, there's another fucking glass I have to clean up before it attracts ants.

Growing up, the future was depicted with humans in skin-tight clothes piloting oddly-shaped vehicles. Turns out they were predicting soccer moms in yoga pants driving SUV’s. Warp speed ahead, everybody!

Airport musak shouldn't be allowed to play Springsteen cuts any deeper than "I'm on Fire".

"If you get a friend request from yourself, delete it."
- The Cyber Buddha

"Today's news from Washington is total crap."

I'd've much rather lived during the ASCENT of this civilization.

"you don't fuck with our tv"
is America's line in the sand,
and I'm here for it

Actual conversation in my head:
Hm, email from Liu Tang.
The Mortal Kombat character?
No, that was Liu Kang.
Oh, it's probably spam then.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. . .like okra.

1st-yr prof:
How'd you know she'd cheat?

Me:
Been at this game a long time, kid...it's getting harder and harder to wash the Expo marker from my hands.

Each hurricane season I'm reminded that I want to be in an improv troupe called
"Cone of Uncertainty"

I just bought slacks
and paid the gas bill.
You kids get off my lawn.

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She:
I'm going to an international stroke conference.

Me:
Awww yeaaaah

She:
Not that kind of stroke.

Me:
Still. . .Right?

She:
No. Not at all.

Either the guy next to me at Best Buy didn't grasp the magnificence of "All 5 'Prophecy' movies for $5!", or he was opposed to free hugs.

Raging Bull Durham #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Casablanca, Arizona #AddaWordRuinaMovie

The Graduate Degree #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Doja Cat:
*finishes ‘AHHH MEN!’*

Me:
Yay! Now do ‘Perfect Strangers’!

Pardon me, Mr. Wool-hat-skinny-shorts-&-earbuds-audible-in-a-crowded-airport, did you by chance purchase your luggage at The Douchebaggerie?

Mmm decaf. . .the nonalcoholic beer of coffee.

Today in Algebra World: the city of Chicago stands empty thanks to those two damned trains that are always leaving headed east or west.

There are pros and cons
to using scimitars. . .they're double-edged swords.

I wouldn't say ALL I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom, but it definitely factors in there. I guess my ideal situation would be one where I could do some side projects and charity work, while still largely focusing on zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom.