George Pete Caleodis

Bugonia traumatized me

"My pet turtle doesn't do any tricks.
Well, he does one - he whistles. . .
you have to throw him REALLY hard."
- Darren Esler

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If she's busy on Valentine's
The side dude is you

I heart most of you.

On mornings like this I'm reminded that hypochondriacs should not eat beets.

All phones are foldable if you don’t want to use them again.

add a word, ruin a movie:

Jurassic Worldview

Add a word, ruin a movie

Like Toilet Water for Chocolate

add a word, ruin a movie:

The GodStepfather

add a word, ruin a movie:

Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

Don’t you hate when you want to binge an entire show - drinking in all its gloriousness - but they release new episodes only weekly, so you just have to make do with crumbs instead of gorging satisfaction all at once?

I really wish they would just release the rest of “The Fall of 45*” already.

Isn't "don't let anyone publicly snap a pic of your oppo research book" day 1 of supervillain school?

Slightly diminish a band

Two Dog Evening

Slightly diminish a band

Kilodeath

Slightly diminish a band

Trip

Age verification!

"It's raining - turn off the tv!"

New sense of self worth - who dis?

Don't cry because it's over - smile because you weren't the one to front the security deposit.

All this time I thought a lychee fruit was some banana that always claimed to have forgotten its wallet.

acting tip:

Breakdowns lie -
do it how you want.

If only there were a way to combine all these streaming services into one place, and then pay a single monthly fee for all of them.

Would folks get behind that idea?
Is that idea backable?
baCkABLE?
Ba. . .k. . .cable?
Cable?

Dreamed I opened an Arizona-themed deli that served Yumafish sandwiches.

Drunk Gal:
What's that Jodie Foster movie that made dudes tuck their dicks between their legs?

Me:
Contact?

Until you try to carve a mango for the first time, you don't know the depth of dark depravity that lurks in your soul.

You can't arm your hugs with nuclear children.

Levi's: no treble

No Kings includes Draft Kings

My kingdom for a commercial not stunt casted out the wazoo!

If we were rollerskating I'd buy you a pizza rectangle.

Nobody can drink a whole bottle of ketchup.