Michael. You know, Michael.

The Patriots shall not be vanquished till Birnam wood remove to Dunsinane!

Mazal tov, and welcome to the club!

Every side of the tracks is the bad side of the tracks in Houston, because the trains are stalled and we can't get anywhere.

"The thing about me is that I hate raw tomatoes but love them cooked 😜"
Yeah man, I feel the same way about potatoes. That is neither interesting nor rare.

"No but like, I'll even eat ketchup 😂"
I eat pico de gallo but would hesitate to bite into a raw onion; this isn't as weird as you're acting.

We're regular friends, you're just a hermit

Yup!

Those are called comet partners

How many cats do you have? You may already qualify.

Absolutely inappropriate that "Progressives" are calling Texas Governor Greg Abbott "Hot Wheels."

Hot Wheels are fun, and children are generally safe around them.

I heard we were watching movies named for what day it is today

I've heard this is actually a brussel sprouts moment! Advances in material science have practically eliminated glare from the insides of windshields.

Join Sassterpiece Theatre just outside Federation territory (aka Comicpalooza) as we defend the galaxy against a hostile, terrible movie! Stand with us SATURDAY JUNE 21st at 5PM* in GRB 330 as we unleash photon torpedoes and some jokes against the Terran Empire as seen in #StarTrek #Section31 ! * schedule always subject to change - get the app and add us to your CP25 itinerary - FREE to all Saturday Comicpalooza attendees 18 and up! #comedy #MST3Kish #liveshow

Join @sassterpiece.bsky.social at COMICPALOOZA as we defend the galaxy against the Terran Empire as seen in #StarTrek #Section31 SATURDAY JUNE 21st at 5PM* in GRB 330!

* schedule subject to change - get the app and add us - FREE to all Saturday attendees 18 and up!

#comedy #MST3Kish #liveshow

🖖 INCOMING STARFLEET COMMUNIQUE
(from Captain Kei)

Ready for Comicpalooza this weekend where I’ll be performing with @parassect.bsky.social @dangertim.bsky.social @eneloquent.bsky.social as @sassterpiece.bsky.social riffs Section 31! Join us Saturday at 5pm in Room 330 as we lose the plot, the point, and the prime directive in this mess of a movie!

The problem with the argument of "If men should be experienced and women should be virgins, who are the men getting experience with?" is that while it's a valid critique of purity culture, it is unfortunately also the perfect opening for a Yo Mama joke.

Burt come arrest this person

My left brain knows that the right/left brain dichotomy is an outdated theory, but my right brain still wanted to do the joke.

Love how much I hate this

Caption on magic eye reads, "Not a bird or a plane."

Right Brain: Ah, this must resolve to a picture of Superman!

Left Brain: There are a near-infinite number of objects that are neither birds nor planes.

What... what is the owl implying it will do to you to lower your purity score?

A case of orange Coca-Cola has a handwritten note on it which reads, "I was not a fan but maybe you will like it. Please enjoy!"

When someone asks about dating an ex of mine and I'm feeling charitable

"If you're going to act like a little baby, then I'm going to treat you like a little baby." -me to my 8 month old

The man's turnaround time is truly unbelievable

One question still not answered by the #Severance #Finale: how the hell Milchick got in trouble for his word usage when his predecessor was Harmony "I speak like the book of Leviticus" Cobel

I got a raise at work, so I'm going to celebrate by going out to dinner somewhere 3.1% more expensive than I would normally go.

I dunno, I think I might assume this expires the day before

A swinger with a nice ass has a pineapple upside-down cake

Maybe @sassterpiece.bsky.social, @dangertim.bsky.social, @azregreis.bsky.social and I should try to hold them answerable for their crimes

[Sent from my desk job in a windowless room at a large corporation]

Started watching Severence last night, and the new season of The Magnus Protocol just dropped the first episode. Big day for menial office workers largely in the dark about their mysterious employer's nefarious goals.