You're too late, Mr. Bond; in the time it took you to get here I was able to sober up enough to drive

Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time

Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time

Sorry you drew the figure too big and now I’m not impressed anymore :/

Wait did you have to cross from the wall to the volume? And if so… how??

Is Flyleaf better, worse or equal to Evanescence? And what do you think of Live Free or Die Hard?

i think everyone needs to proclaim whatever nazi tattoos they've got right now, while it's on everyone's minds. even if you're not running for office, let's just get all our cards on the table. i'll start — i'm normal, so i have none. let's have every former & current military member go next

oh you’re a nihilist? name zero things that matter

good afternoon

people who put Harry Potter stuff on their dating profiles in 2025 are kinda like those Japanese soldiers who didn’t know the war was over except more embarrassing

Hey Sam I’ve also been getting into bouldering lately so I’m kind of an expert and can say: This is impressive

Having a job has crippled my productivity.

When I saw Opeth in 2008 the set was a little over two hours. Is there any band you’d stand that long for now?

Okay well I didn’t expect you to post it publicly when I wrote it :/

I'll do it 👍

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?

guard: [looking away] fine

wife: did something happen?

guard: [tearing up] no

wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

I'm sick of online, but what else is there to do? My job?

I just learned about Baader-Meinhof and now I feel like I’m seeing it everywhere

This game looked so cool to me. It has two Xes!

I can’t wait to be cut in half by one of these things while on a leisurely stroll

“Wait… really?”
— people ten years from now being told that Madame Web didn’t win best picture

I’m pretty sure they would kill someone else to keep you

I'm in a miserable mood constantly, but I don't let it get me down.

Looking for a private service that can help me get this camel through the eye of a needle. I’ll pay anything

Just saw a video of a drunk woman getting arrested at an airport and she said “how are you going to hold my accountable for something I did 20 minutes ago” and the beauty of that statement fully floored me.

I had 4 days off and by the end of that time I was thinking about creative pursuits, maybe even getting involved in my community. Thank god that's over now

2026 will be my year. I can feel it.

Well, I hope I'm happy.

She mummer on my farce til I jest

Real G’s move in lasagna