Flip Spicerack

When the masseuse begins massaging your hamstring and you realize that you’ve got to fart….

This day has been complete shit. At least the “job” part of it is over.

S-e-x-x-y.

Are you sure you have the right number?

It’s actually dark right now.

I’m 6’4….fo’ real.

@flipspicerack: send me anonymous messages! @flipspicerack: send me anonymous messages!

Give me the good stuff. ngl.link/flipspicerack1

Will putting my old, tired, lame ass jokes on a new app make them creative and new?

I used to funny, witty, and creative. Now I’m just stuck with devilishly handsome.

“I’m too old for this shit.”
-Me, everyday

So I went and got tacos for supper so now if I can get someone to show me their tits it’ll be a perfect night.

Why do I have to choose between Taco Tuesday and Titty Tuesday? Why can't I just eat Tacos off your Titties?

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

When the moon hits your eye
And Shrek starts to cry
That’s a Donkey

If it's one thing I can do, it's the math.

we must find something that will destroy the flexseal family of products and use it. maybe a nuke

I wouldn’t worry honey. We’re all a lil disgusting.

Me, on my deathbed: I just wish... I had... throat-punched... more people.

The scene on Ghost but its just me drunk and topless at the Golden Corral Chocolate Fountain again.

Fear of saying you like something that has some sick alter meaning on urban dictionary

-I have that

Damn Boy are you a pumpkin spice latte because I'm about to drop you before Christmas

Embrace the season by adding pumpkin spice to your cocaine.

being with crazy people is probably the only thing that has kept me alive

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

I can’t promise you the stars but you can use my Netflix account.

Picture cuddling with me.
Good.
Now picture The Undertaker’s Hell Gate Submission move.
That’s more like it.

just logged back into twitter and now i need therapy

I didn't get raptured. Again.