Brian Kelley

Please contribute to my GoFundMe: Help Me Meet Danny DeVito. Every cent you contribute goes to a new computer and stable internet connection in order to google "Where's Danny DeVito?"

They made Socrates drink hemlock but you should see how they did my guy Plato, who they made run naked through the girl's locker room with a poisonous pickle in his ass that he had to bite down on every time it fell out.

Only this generation lets you know you’re being depressed or upset in a problematic way ONLY THIS GODDAMN GENERATION (and plus)

Left my 23andme sample out in the sun.
Results came back: Very Italian.

After seeing JOKER I want to be the first guest ever to bitchslap Stephen Colbert

Brian Kelley -- is this anything? No? Good to know.

Jennifer Lopez caused Google Images to be invented after wearing a green dress and I caused citizen app to be invented after committing all the crimes.

Sparing a moment for all the queer dogs who want to come out but can never be heard through their barks.

I believe they just added a live function here but haven’t used it yet

My friend Xavier was talking about it on TikTok so I brushed the dust off this account

Am I really BlueSkying in 2026? Is that what’s happening? Ok

I will say, I would be a radically different person if my parents didn’t take every single problem and inconvenience they’re going through and lay it at my feet. It gave me a lot of practice at listening to people I didn’t want to.

Didn’t get as many laughs as I was hoping for, BUT someone did capture my ass in a window getting exposed to all of New York City and THAT is a memory that lasts a lifetime, folks.

The thing about performing naked is that you can only do it once, if that, in front of the same audience. After that, it’s old hat (and nothing else)

Had another good cry about being disowned by the Brooklyn comedy scene again. I love my brain. 😌

I just think we should start discussing Mussolini’s wife and kids before discussing Charlie Kirk’s.

I’m gonna repost this and hope to god it’s not racist

Happy birthday to labor and to me!

I don’t mean to be a smut hound. I really don’t. But I need to express to someone, somewhere, in some healthy way that this was the year I fell in love with subreddits featuring 250+ lb women in leather. God bless people fucking inhibition and being sexual.

I think this is the only platform I feel comfortable expressing what a hypocritical pissant Biden was, how he should’ve faded into irrelevancy after the 80s, and how he’s very much responsible for us dealing with four more years of whatever this garbage is.

Even though she’s told me (and apparently him) that she’s not doing anything until she’s sober.

Anyways, insert self-riff about how co-dependent I am.

She will not tell me she’s not interested anymore but she’ll continue to not reach out to me and she’s had so many drug issues that she can’t stay with her parents anymore and is now staying with this guy who has expressed interest in her.

Parents: loving people who cannot zip the lip.

I can’t look at the spicy plus size women subreddits anymore. It just reminds me of the plus size beauty who won’t write me back anymore. :(

A Hill I Will Die On: Dying is uncool.

Is anyone else kind of entertained by the combination of Christmas and MAGA? Like peace and goodwill towards all men but get them out of here! Yep, you’re sure understanding Christmas you chodes 😂

God sometimes it’s just too bulky to fit in your undies. It’s nuts, I mean, it’s crazy. 😭

To the woman I’m friends with who is posting breakup and self worth memes while also about her new boyfriend: is everything okay?? You’re making it difficult to not be nosy.

Nothing triggers me as much as seeing posts of people I used to hang out with all hanging out without me.

Yes my Duolingo icon is me naked. Live with it.