✨Marcus Palladino Thirst Hole

Honestly not having to raid anymore immediately has me feeling more relaxed and I feel bad but I'm also glad that I didn't have to cut my losses and leave because I honored the commitment I made and that is good on me. Now I can rest. Zzzzzzz

once you get into shipping your ocs with your friends' ocs nothing else will ever come close to the dopamine hit it gives

Back at it again not realizing just how much doing commission work has damaged my ability to draw digitally until I've got work piled up and ive stressed myself into exhaustion

Being trans and having big titties SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT SUCKS SO HARD DAWG!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAARGH!!!!!

Grumbles angrily. Marcus Palladino wouldn't want this for me.

And dawg don't EVEN get me started on the dysphoria that comes with clothes shopping

'but you dress like a woman'
No you dumb cunt I dress like I have fat tits and daddy issues there's a fucking difference.

Like I'm gonna wear shit that shows off my tits because I would rather feel good about how I look than fuckin hide them and feel like shit but I would LIKE TO WEAR CLOTHES THAT DON'T DO THIS AND STILL LIKE HOW I LOOK PLEASE!!!!

WOE FOR I CANNOT WEAR A BINDER BC I HAVE TO WEAR SHIT THAT COVERS IT BUT I ALSO CANNOT WEAR TSHIRTS WITHOUT A BINDER BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING EGG I HATE THESE DAMN THANGS!!!!

It's 6am and I'm getting mad about having big boobs again because anything I try to wear that fits my fucking tits is too big and unattractive everywhere else and anything I wear that fits ME is either a dogshit fit around my chest or I hAVE TO draw attention to them I WANT THEM GONE AARGH!!!

Jonghyun is so smug about the fact that Marcus can deadlift him. 'YOUR MAN AIN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO PICK YOU UP!!! MY MAN CAN THOUGH!!! MARCUS PICK ME UP--'

He loves that shit! He loves getting carried! He's a big dude but he loves getting carried!!! And Marcus can!!! Holy shit!!!

I want to travel...

i'm not even in a bad mood i've just been feeling this loneliness more and more strongly lately and i'm frankly kinda over it lmao!!!

god to even try and diffuse it with colloquialisms sounds so fucking desperate. to live in the eyes of others is the cruelest ordeal.

tl;dr: i feel like a fraud and the terrifying ordeal of being known makes me feel worse don't even know who i am anymore i'm gettin too much money

and fuck man this sounds so pithy and edgelord-y but honestly having a sense of self on top of self esteem issues fucking sucks man. i wish i didn't feel like i had to hide myself from people all the time. but i do. and that's how it is on this bitch of an earth.

and that fear is difficult to assuage, either. every time i hear it i immediately think of it as lip service. you're simply saying that because you don't know what things i may have to say. you don't know what's behind the mask. shit, even i don't really know what's behind it.

i joke about having to Do A Dance for people so they like me but it's really not a joke. I constantly feel like if I'm not performing for others or holding my tongue then I will reveal myself to be unlikeable and therefore not worthy of the company i keep.

'Do I belong here?' 'Am I really welcome in this group of people?'
so often i feel like i'm the odd man out and it really fucking sucks man lmao. i'm often feeling like "haha. wish i knew what that felt like." just so i can act like i fit in.

ah well.

on this christmas eve i wonder if i am the joyless friend. the one with no whimsy. no interests. no personality.

i often feel like i'm surrounded by people with vastly different interests than my own and because of that the impostor syndrome tends to creep in.

I think Marcus Palladino being exposed to the reality of just how fucking touch starved he is is so juicy man. The inherent, unsubtle horniness of being able to be so close to someone you're fond of

Thinking about jonghyun just asking Marcus to Touch....run his hands over his thighs, his hips. Pull him closer, if that's what he wants....just letting Marcus explore until he gets cold feet...getting Marcus used to the power of contact alone...

Imagining jonghyun slowly unbuttoning them, staring at Marcus the whole time to make sure he's still got permission to do so....thinking about jonghyun's hands sliding up to Marcus's chest while he buried his face in the crook of his neck....

Just. Real Heterosexual Guy Hours....guys being dudes...

Thinking about Marcus Palladino priest robes.....
Thinking about jonghyun slowly peeling them off of him in the least heterosexual, god-fearing way possible

Being able to say 'im stopping for now and will get these done over the weekend' and not feel like shit about it is. So nice.

Also drew this on my phone.
I like the rabbit.

also ig i'll put this here since it's essentially vent art
played chicory today. good game. hurt my feelings. (positive)

I'm okish now btw just. Brain is still working. Need to words out.

I do genuinely wish my own brain didn't make me so...difficult is the only word I can think of rn.

I wish things were simple. We're easy. Oh, to not be riddled with anxiety and self esteem issues.

What is it like. Not having to fight yourself..?

I sometimes wish I knew when other people were thinking about me. I hope that thoughts of me make them smile when I'm not there. I hope my impact is a positive one.

all i can even think to do about it is sit and cry and apologize for being the way i am. for being a coward. for being disingenuous. for being needy. for so many things....

i don't know man. i'm just talking atp.

i feel so pathetic and small so often. i feel so upsettingly needy. so annoyingly useless. i can't ever let myself get close to anyone, not really. i'm so fucking embarrassing and yet incredibly fucking boring at the same time. i have no personality and yet every one of my traits is negative.