Pookie

People say that I only care about myself, because I always forget things they say to me. Buddy, I forget what I say too, dafuq?

They should invent a way to do the dishes silently when someone else is sleeping

Sometimes I will see that old coworkers are still working at the restaurant and I think, “I wonder if they ever got even kind of good at their job?”

“Do you know how many $40 concerts you’d have to go to to equal one $400 concert?”

Fucked up that Scorpio is a water sign but at the same time I am both very much a Scorpio and very much a water sign so whatever

Wait til you hear about what stains the mountaintops

My therapist says I’m going to have to try and I’m pissed

Love to order ahead to skip the line but have all the orders kept at the cash register where you order so I still have to stand in line to get my food that is literally sitting next to the cashier.

Biggest commitment to a 3 second joke I've ever seen

And I guess I mean to say that wherever you touch other lives there is a chance for great change, even when you feel so powerless. And that’s reason enough to keep going. Even if all the big things are disasters, some hidden small thing will make the world a better place.

It’s weird how things ripple out. I feel like such a failure, but people tell me how these small interactions with me have changed their lives. Inspired them to pursue a dream, get sober, reconnect with estranged family… I didn’t try to do any of that. Little moments and interactions resonating…

My boss is mad at me that I liquidated all my personal stock holdings a month ago when I saw all this coming and I didn’t mention it to him and now all his money is gone.

“The answer may surprise you.”

You don’t know me like that.

Captain Kirk, but from Boston Legal, in a nice suit, looking a bit constipated. Closed caption reads, "We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves."

Something you gotta know about me: if I see a dog, I’m GONNA smile

Unfortunately for you, my algorithm is saying I’m correct to feel the way I do

Downtown apartments always have those signs like, “If you lived here, you’d be home already.”

Literally any residence could have that sign and it would be true!

Everyone I talk to keeps emailing me a list of crisis hotlines “just in case” and, honestly, it’s starting to piss me off

There are a thousand obstacles in my life and all of them are me with a fake mustache.

He asks me what’s at the end of this.
If the voice goes away, will I be happy?
I think I’d be lonely.
It’s such a stupid thing to say that I don’t say it.
I say I don’t know. I never think that I know.
But I always know.

The good news is i saved you 60 billion dollars. The bad news is that is a typo i saved you 600 dollars and also your plane is falling out of the sky

My mother told me, “You’re not a very nice guy, Luke, but you are very kind.” I found that very affirming, because I don’t need to be nice to be coming from a place of kindness.

Yesterday I played the first chapter of Harold Halibut and somehow it has completely destabilized my existence.

Weird for someone to text me when it’s their move in our chess game. Focus up, bud.

A job I applied to two years ago and never heard from just emailed me asking if I knew anyone looking for work

Thank you, AppleTV preroll ads, I guess I don’t need to watch your other shows now that you’ve told me their season finale twists!

Could everyone stop beating me in chess today? I’m very sensitive.

Me: Oh no that trolley is going to run us over!

Guy tied up on the track next to me who somehow thinks he's actually the guy holding the lever: Lol cry more 😂

What kind of sick god would make a Porygon?

I take the bus to work, starting at a depot. I stood inside the building for 7 minutes before I was removed by security and made to stand 12 feet away, but outside.