Nikki B

My 4.5yr-old daughter: “Are those the frog’s arms, right above his vulva?”

Me: “Ummm… Well, most boys don’t have… I mean frogs are amphibians, so… Yes, those are his arms.”

We’re all just winging it.

Why do I have This Kiss by Faith Hill stuck in my head!?

Oh yeah, I used a salad spinner earlier.

a cartoon of homer simpson screaming with his mouth open ALT: a cartoon of homer simpson screaming with his mouth open

My child just projectile vomited into my ear. Now that we’re both cleaned up and she’s sleeping comfortably, I’m just going to go scream in the street until someone slaps me across the face, because MY CHILD JUST PROJECTILE VOMITED INTO MY EAR.

a man in a green sweater is looking at himself in a mirror ALT: a man in a green sweater is looking at himself in a mirror

Hey you! Stop fucking doomscrolling! Go drink some water and do something productive, you stupid bitch!!!

Last night my kiddo found a stash of peppermints and root beer barrels from Christmas. I told her she couldn’t have any, because it’s “grownup candy.”

As soon as we walked into daycare this morning, she told her teacher all about mom and dad’s “grownup candy” that she’s not allowed to have. 🫠 Oops.

Putting lipstick on the pig that is my hundred-year-old Sears house. FUCK HORSEHAIR PLASTER.

Send help and liquor.

Thank you, friend. 💚

Real quick question — why is Michael Keaton so hot?

Covid has turned to bronchitis, and now I’m on prednisone for the next five days.

My house is about to be SO clean, and my family is about to be SO annoyed with me. 🫠

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My daughter just asked me to sing Radio Ga Ga for our bedtime song tonight. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. 🥹

I really, honestly thought that I was going to be the one person in my household who managed to avoid covid this week. I was SO confident.

What a fucking dingdong. 😷

I was washing my hands just now, and my 3.5-year-old came running into the kitchen to remind me, matter-of-factly, “We pay for that water!”

I knew I would become my mother someday, but I was NOT expecting to become my stepfather. Yikes.

Pat Benatar: Guys, child abuse is awful. Let’s write a song about it.

Her Band: Totally. A sad song, right? Like, in a minor key?

Pat Benatar: No — it’s going to be a fucking BANGER.

a man with long hair singing into a microphone with his eyes closed ALT: a man with long hair singing into a microphone with his eyes closed

It’s only been a day, but so far…

Am I ever going to be able to open this app without getting that Allman Brothers song stuck in my head for the next six hours? Time will tell.