Hardcore Fenton Mudd

Cloud passes through top floors of building under construction/ crane

Low cloud

Dummy 13 frame w runners fresh from print, one part missing, off to side

Lesson learned, even if object has nice flat bottom, maybe printing at angle/ not flush with plate is best

Popular played albums including manhunter & heavy metal soundtrack, berurier noire, shot of some buildings downtown

Pleasing iPhone Home Screen arrangement

It’s funny you just assume other people have it just as rough as you even if they don’t appear to show any overt difficulty, assuming universality of experience unless shown/ proven otherwise

Yeah and made all the more confusing by the fact that the most objectively severe and “warranted” trauma of the mix is either Indistinguishable or in some cases much less severe feeling than seemingly innocuous stuff like awkward conversations or dumb mistakes or casual rejection

But then… how do I get my gold medal?

My controversial opinion is that if you’re brain decided it was enough trauma that it permanently changed your Amygdala then you have cPTSD whether the trauma was from the world forcing you to wear uncomfortable socks with a smile or a rapist sibling.

“Trauma enough” is a real insidious phrase but I’ve literally had friends describe their cptsd as not feeling like enough trauma and didn’t think it applied to them despite obvious ptsd symptoms

Cptsd makes for a lousy t-shirt

I did another 3d print and only slightly fucked up, plus I remembered my gloves and mask every time, I’m learning.

Anyway so what happened these last few days?

I guess feeling like you have a target on your back for 12 years or so will do it, seems sort of vaguely warzone adjacent

I guess the through line for those causes, apart from actual physical violence obviously, is not feeling safe, not feeling allowed to be yourself, insufficient agency, feeling diminished, other or lesser, never being able to relax or feel supported / affirmed, always feeling afraid

I guess my problem & confusion stems from the need to compulsively equivocate or intercompare, justify experience, see things in firm dialectical terms, ignore that cptsd only has a minimum trauma for entry but no max cap

I was bullied hard in primary & secondary, tried hard but barely kept my head above water, lacked a really safe space at home and suffered emotional abuse from distant father but it’s easy to minimize one’s own trauma or universalize some specific trauma, dr evil style. Tough to compare experiences

C-PTSD was considered for inclusion in the DSM-IV but then they were like fuck it

Also good to look up somatization

Yeah or at the very least a footnote

Yeah esp undiagnosed autism while raised by someone with undiagnosed autism in deep denial and inability to deal with either of us

Julia Louis Dreyfus Nervous laughter wtf gif from Veep

Repeated traumatization during childhood leads to symptoms that differ from those described for PTSD.[15] Cook and others describe symptoms and behavioral characteristics in seven domains:[16][1] Attachment – problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others' emotional states Biomedical symptoms – sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties; increased medical problems or even somatization Affect or emotional regulation – poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes Elements of dissociation – amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events Behavioral control – problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems Cognition – difficulty regulating attention; problems with a variety of executive functions such as planning, judgment, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring; difficulty processing new information; difficulty focusing and completing tasks; poor object constancy; problems with cause-effect thinking; and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities. Self-concept – fragmented and/or disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self.

CPTSD further symptoms

Jynx

But it’s symptoms and consequences? Very fucking objective

Trauma is subjective

Trauma is subjective

Symptoms of cptsd include:
Hyperarousal, emotional over-stress, intrusive thoughts, emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, negative self-beliefs, interpersonal difficulties, attention difficulties, anxiety, depression, somatization, dissociation

Like, bro come on, add Star Trek and it’s my bio

One feels weird checking and half checking those boxes, as though one by itself isn’t enough, but like one of those is being held captive so maybe one is enough. But talk about imposter syndrome, as though I would describe anything I went through in terms of being equivalent or adjacent to that shit

yeah I know autism / ADHD/ RSD is like a cumulative modifier and I’ve always been hypersensitivity but seeing stuff like growing up in war zone, sexual abuse or human trafficking is sobering. I mean sure, I would say I dealt with severe bullying, hostile environment, maybe mild neglect/ child abuse

Complex PTSD is a subtype of PTSD caused by repeated or ongoing trauma. Potential causes include child abuse, neglect, domestic violence, sexual abuse, living in a war zone, a hostile environment, captivity, human trafficking, severe bullying, and other long-term harmful situations. (Wikipedia)

Well, I’ll just leave this here

just with autism it wasn’t like mild/ subtle experience here and there or vague resonance, it was hyper identification with every facet across the board, hitting every box, like yep, that’s the ticket. That’s me, dead to rights, no doubt / uncertainty. Which, okay, fine. But under likely causes…

Again, one could argue that cptsd is improperly differentiated from other conditions or could stand to be folded into other/ more things… but

Inasmuch as it is a thing that exists, I for sure have it unambiguously