Tom Swanston

I quite my new job at the bakery. Only made one granary bap.

It wasn’t the right roll for me.

#LunchPun

My hot air balloon business was a complete failure.

Didn’t even get off the ground.

#LunchPun

I fired my optician.

I bet he didn't see that coming!

#LunchPun

A skeleton started a fight with me, but he didn't have the guts to finish it.

#LunchPun

All devices now have AI. Even my blender!

It keeps sending me mixed messages.

#LunchPun

'Rock Around the Clock' is my favourite song of all time.

#LunchPun

Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves, to coin a phrase.

#LunchPun

I can't seem to find my way out of this hospital, so I've had to retire on medical grounds.

#LunchPun

My house robot put a boxing glove in my suitcase.

It packs quite a punch.

#LunchPun

After the lobotomy, I lost my piece of mind.

#LunchPun

I'm always taking steps to avoid elevators.

#LunchPun

People say "follow your dreams".

That's why I'm going back to bed.

#LunchPun

I once dated an amazing baker.

Inevitably things went stale.

#LunchPun

I tried to write a joke about paper, but it was tearable.

#LunchPun

My new thesaurus is terrible!

Not only that, it’s also terrible.

#LunchPun

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know which comes first.

#LunchPun

My friend said he didn’t understand cloning.

I told him, “That makes two of us.”

#LunchPun

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already!

#LunchPun

I started working as a human cannonball.

I got fired.

#LunchPun

I asked the waiter if my burger would be long.

He said, “You're thinking of a hotdog."

#LunchPun

I've just published a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

#LunchPun

I'm not sure calendars will continue.

Their days are numbered.

#LunchPun

I used to work in a shoe recycling warehouse.

It was sole-destroying.

#LunchPun

A beautiful woman offered me whatever I wanted if I could make an anagram of dyslexia.

I opted for sex daily.

#LunchPun

I'm searching for the meaning of zero and I will stop at nothing to find it!

#LunchPun

I bought a board game for over-thinkers.

I've been staring at the instructions for 3 days.

#LunchPun

I launched an app that helps people unsubscribe from emails.

For some reason, our daily updates are not being well received.

#LunchPun

I joined a debate team for introverts.

We agreed to disagree, silently.

#LunchPun

I created an app for people with commitment issues.

You can download it, but only temporarily.

#LunchPun

I opened a healthy bakery for people who like straight-talking.

We don’t sugarcoat anything.

#LunchPun