Michael C

My wife can lose her purse, her keys, her phone, or her glasses - and I am not allowed to say a word about it. But if I TEMPORARILY lose ONE child at the mall, I never hear the end of it.

Flag football should never be played in the nude. Imagine where you’d stick the flag.

If you get trapped in an elevator, you will regret having seconds of the fermented bean curd.

A sign at the entrance to hell: “No pot holders or oven mitts beyond this point.”

Wife: (suspicious) “Did you stop at the store and get the eggs, flour, and milk?”
Me: (smiling) “Yes - sort of.” (I pull a chocolate cake out of the bag.)
Wife: (shoulders slump) “I should have known.”
Me: (proudly) “ALL THREE are in this little beauty!”

A well-placed whoopee cushion will put the FUN in funeral.

Two accounts.

A heart attack caused by high cholesterol is the cow’s way of getting even.

While flying a kite in a lightning storm, Benjamin Franklin exclaimed, “If we ran electricity through a chair, we could use it to kill people!”

It takes exactly three minutes for a cat’s eyes to re-focus after an accidental spin in a dryer. Don’t ask how I know that.

It is an unpleasant fact that sometimes, when you go out into public, the public is there.

Pole dancing is not as seductive when performed in sensible shoes.

If you go faster than the speed of light, it will be dark when you get there.

The number one cause of tattoos is tequila.

SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY: The world’s oldest stone tablet has been deciphered. It reads: “We need milk and bread.”

At the age of 103, Louise really turned some heads at the nude beach.

In the middle of the night, I stubbed my toe. Finally, I understand the pain my wife experienced during childbirth.

Never date a man who thinks that a cervical cap comes with earflaps.

At a Mensa meeting, you will occasionally run across someone named Larry, but rarely will you find a Curly or Moe.

UNLIKELY HEADLINE: Amelia Earhart’s luggage turns up at DFW.

A pessimist knows the glass is half empty because some optimist drank 50% of it.

When pigs fly, guys in camo will blow them out of the sky.

If Stephen King ever writes a hostage note, it will be 1,200 pages long and made into a movie.

Before I was married, I didn’t know there was a WRONG WAY to put stuff in the fridge. Now it's difficult to imagine the horror that would occur if the milk ended up on the wrong shelf.

Once man discovered fire, the creation of S’mores was just around the corner.

“A man of few words” never sits next to me on a plane.

Winners never quit, and quitters never win - and those who never try don’t have to worry about it.

You do not want the word “death” to be preceded by the word “premature”.

Napping is meditation with snoring.

Tap dancing was invented by a person waiting outside a locked bathroom door.