Twoey

If you have any expectations of me right now, please lower them.
If you’re waiting for a call back from me, no you’re not.

I can “borrow” unearned vacation time with approval, as long as I beg pretty please.
Very part-time benefits for a full-time job. 2/2

The recruiter for my new job told me benefits start on your first day, but that was a lie.
I have to earn all 80 hours of vacation time over the course of a year and I don’t even earn a full day of vacation time in a MONTH. 1/2

I hate that both Twitter and TikTok have been taken away from me. I hate that there’s less connection in a cruel world. I hate how often I scream into the void and feel empty.

One thing I’m really gonna miss about TikTok is how Tommy Pistol started following me so I got a notification every time he checked my profile, how am I supposed to get dopamine now

UPDATE: Turns out the mortgage company messed up, so they paid my homeowners insurance and I’m covered! Thank you so much to everyone who replied with kindness and encouragement.

So I just found out my homeowners insurance lapsed and there’s nothing I can do about it because I don’t have an extra $1600 to make a lump-sum payment, I can’t pay online, and I can ONLY call for assistance and ONLY during the business hours I work in a call center.
Happy F-cking New Year.

I don’t know man I’m starting to feel like my little jokes and memes are not enough to keep me from succumbing to the horrors

KitKat is a lot of things, but most of all he’s A Baby Man™

Photo of a brown tabby cat with white paws, belly and left cheek seated on a pink blanket looking sweetly off-camera

Happy Adoptiversary to Baby Ruth a.k.a. Ruthie, who 5 years ago on this day (also Friday the 13th) refused to go back out into the rain and so gave up the street cat life. She’s been a marvelous menace ever since. My Grumpy Plumpy Girl.

I’m reading in the news that cities are fearful about copycat CEO shootings, meanwhile Philly is having Luigi Mangione look-a-like contests. Deeply unserious city.

I was picking up an Rx and the Pharmacy Tech Bitch at CVS lied “we can’t take your new insurance information until tomorrow, you need this now?” i.e. pay out-of-pocket this instant or get tf out. Then she slid it under the gate as it closed in my face like she was Indiana Jones.

I deposited that check at a different FCU Sat 11/30.
PFCU still has partial amount on hold until tomorrow, but don’t worry they made sure to take out my mortgage payment and overdraft my account today. 2/2

First paycheck at my new job did not direct deposit due to the holiday last week. Paper check was received in the mail Fri 11/29. Couldn’t deposit because PFCU locations were closed and their ATMs wouldn’t accept my deposit. 1/2

Please tell J—— I love her 🥺
[name redacted for privacy]

The toughest part about being a Porn Reply Guy is dealing with all the other Porn Reply Guys, come on man I’m just a humble pervert trying to make my favorite pornstars laugh, please stay out of my inbox 😭

Update: after doubling down for a week my Abusive Manager left for the day and cancelled our meeting this afternoon, can’t wait to learn what fresh hell she has in store for me

Update: Abusive Manager has issued a written warning for something I didn’t even do 🫠

Hey do you ever intensely watch someone tie their shoe in public to see what method they were taught (loop-swoop-and-pull, bunny ears, etc.) or are you normal

Haha oh no, I posted a funny gif in the Group Chat at work so now my Abusive Manager is desperately looking for any excuse to punish me for it

Not the same sister who paid me late for utilities last month making my mortgage payment overdraft my bank account this month ask if she can put dental x-rays on my credit card tomorrow because she let her Medicaid coverage lapse, don’t push your luck buddy

Selfie photo of an Asian non-binary person with dark shoulder length hair wearing a brown plaid flannel shirt and an annoyed expression, in the background out the window is a man standing on the street corner below with a portable speaker and holding a wireless mic

I always forget that the return of pleasant weather also means Mr. Bishop’s Weekday Afternoon Pop-Up Street Preacher Sermons, he used to wire a PA system into his car stereo but somebody fixed him up with a little portable speaker and a mic

I can’t be bothered with the eclipse, a team of contractors are having trouble tearing down the shed overgrown with vines in the former community garden next door, and a passerby said “it was there before they were.”
So now it’s a horror short story prompt.

It’s hard to believe Wrestlemania is in town, how is this event infinitely less annoying than any Philly sports game? Please can we host more fun shit and be less Bulldoze Chinatown for a Sixers Stadium

I know a historic earthquake occurred today on the East Coast and all, but I’m on the southbound BSL and just heard “THE MIC’S ON, DICKHEAD” over the train announcement system, I feel like these are equally important events

You know PFCU rushing to post my mortgage payment in record time just so they could overdraft my checking account is not very Bailey Building and Loan of them, that was a fun way to start the month 🫠

“Due to operator shortage” i.e. we treat our employees like shit and no one wants to work for us

I owe David Krumholtz an apology. I really thought Jake Johnson was him for longer than I care to admit.

I’m so frustrated being made to feel like asking for clarification is giving pushback, why can’t anyone think critically or answer a genuine question without behaving like I’m challenging them to a knife fight

I go to great lengths to avoid revealing how goofy I am but wow some folks just do not even have the tiniest sense of self-preservation