rae

cant even use the " m3t4b0l!sm day !!!!!!!!!!! " or " i just needed the nutrients !!!!!!!!!! " excuses bc this is like the 4th day in a row

complained and then literally binged this morning be fr i need to lock in

im so fucking stupid i was thinkin to myself what i was gonna do abt my ankle pain and literally all i did was take my house slippers off and i feel better like Immediately

the disconnect between wanting to wear my wrist braces bc they feel weak but also wanting to keep my watch on bc i wanna see funny red number go up despite me doing absolutely nothing all day

also been tired like all the time recently but i think thats just mdd thinking its funny

i hate my brain

+ i havent actually stumbled over anything in a hot minute !!! slayyyy
alsoalso getting me paranoid about the developing arthritis thing again but oh well

disability clock app comp on my yt recs makin me paranoid about faking again which i feel bad about
also thinkin abt mobility stuff agaiin but idk if i should actually get an aid bc my ankles are kinda only weak sometimes + its really just stairs im not confident in

feeling horrible bc im so fucking bad at having self control . literally havent been restricting like i should be and its so upsetting
esp when i like . catch my reflection on something . i need a grip

never Ever having burgers again i think .
gma made some for dinner and i was actually gonna let myself eat them bc i felt bad from binging during breakfast but then i bit into one and it tasted . like . toothpaste .
literally how

just got off of it and oml im Hoping this doesnt become an addiction
like its awesome having something to take my brain off of being hungry but im already paranoid enough abt developing arthritis in my hands as-is

horrible things are happening to the rae brain (redownloaded 0sv, havent played since i was 16)

literally almost two weeks early . no clue what to do w this information

im so confused
ik it says past cycle length is normal but Not for me
i normally hover at around 45 days per cycle

so of course the natural thing for my brain to do is panic and say " oml you have br4!n c4nc3r theres a tvm0r in there " bc i have no god damn chill

this is a crazy ass thing to say but my brains been different lately and idk what to do about that
like ill catch myself thinking about nonsense and then also notice that i cant keep myself focused on one topic at a time anymore
+ ive just felt like . stunlocked recently in terms of shit i wanna do

ik itd prob be better if i just like . had low cal snacks to help prevent that but i dont think we have any in the house + that shits normally kinda expensive

ig part of it was that i was feeling so hungry that i got nauseous and didnt feel good and i Dont like feeling that way At All so brain said " get this fucking feeling away from me " and consumed too much food

i feel like such a fake bc of how much ive been binging
ik that makes no god damn sense bc binging Is disordered but my brain likes to be mean for no reason

should mention by being close to being In a tornado i mean that it touched down and was literally A Forest Away from my house and its a trailer so i Wouldve been homeless and/ or dead where it was an ef4

does Not Help that the noise plays twice most of the time (through my headphones And my phone despite said headphones being connected to my phone via bluetooth)

woke up via 4mb3r 4l3rt and im shaking like fucking crazy now
m glad they exist but jfc my brain still isnt over it

got close to being in a tornado in may n i thought it was Another One despite the weather earlier not really supporting it
thought i was gonna die

why am i so Sleepy today i don get it

i normally eat around 700/ day .....

kms
decided to actually try and count cals on everything based off of the app i use and it was 1k FOR BREAKFAST . HELLO . im soooooooo hoping thats wrong

im not like dying or anything just in case youre worried its called an anxiety rash and its kinda normal for people w chronic anxiety (meeeee !!)

ngl Almost did while ordering food but i just fuckin charged through it its chill
also i get weird red splotches on my chest when im anxious n there was only One kinda large one visible so thats a win too

heading back home now
i didnt have a panic attack !!!! hashtag win

food was Okay, my waitress was Super Thin tho and it felt like the universe was teasing me

its time for rae death (going outside w/o taking my meds + eating out w/o being able to count calories)