Pocket Turlington-Comba

Effective immediately, delivery of interoffice mail is contingent on proof of purchase from Shelly’s son’s Cherrydale Farms fundraiser.

Aries : The vending machine knows your choice. It’s rooting for you.

Leo: A stranger will leave the voicemail you were meant to send.

Aquarius: Switch to blue ink. It’s lucky this quarter.

Janine’s Pontiac Sunfire stalled in the lot and half the memos are missing. Mr. Zaragoza is smoking again.

In ’91, the social committee dropped 1000 Jolly Ranchers into the atrium fountain. It was fun until the bees came.

Gary from facilities replaced a ceiling tile. Behind it: a stack of Columbia House CDs.

Cancer: Your desk drawer will resist you. Leave it closed.

Libra: Someone will compliment your Rolodex. This is a warning.

Taurus: A binder clip will hold more than it should. Accept the gift.

Note to staff: Effective immediately, overhead projectors are reserved for personal correspondence. Business use is prohibited.

In ’95, the elevator opened to a floor that didn’t exist. Denise took notes.

Leo: The ficus leans away from you. It knows something.

Pisces: Practice intention, leave one word voicemails.

Sagittarius: Avoid warm lunches.

ATTN: Light dimmers in Conference Room A are stuck on low. Avoid accidental romance

Q2 reports were late after all of Finance camped out for Hootie and the Blowfish tickets. Corn Nuts were banned.

Virgo: Pretend the meeting was always tomorrow.

Aquarius: Someone will lend you a pen. Guard it with your life.

Capricorn: The fire drill is not a drill.

Note to staff: Effective immediately, all toner requests must be sung in unison during the staff meeting.

Candace was placed on leave after hijacking the coffee machine for hot Crystal Light.

Professional Tip: The company sponsored youth soccer team is not neutral territory. Avoid discussion.

In ’97, someone microwaved a burrito for 14 minutes then buried it in the atrium. Celeste wrote a song.

Libra: A memo will arrive without a signature. Run.

Gemini: The break room fridge favors you today. Claim nothing.

Taurus: A rumor will orbit your desk. Pretend it was your idea.

ATTN: All ergonomic chairs must spend one hour outdoors daily. Compliance is mandatory.

Professional Tip: Never trust a coworker who offers to ‘fix’ your stapler. The curse transfers with the spring.

Until further notice, toner requests must be submitted in cursive, on vellum, and notarized by Denise’s cousin, who is currently on house arrest.

Note to staff: While standard smoke breaks require authorization, cloves remain exempt as they have been formally recognized as an aesthetic practice.

Virgo: If the phone rings twice, let it.

Sagittarius: Your stapler is haunted. Don't engage.

Aries: Sit by the window. You’ll understand why later.

At work, rank is clear:

Bagel guy rules.

Candace from Payroll still owes for the birthday card.

Janeane’s water broke in the blood drive bus. The copier smelled like ham.

Today’s workplace training on “Conflict Resolution” consisted of 23 uninterrupted minutes of a raccoon investigating a multi-line telephone. No explanation offered. Outcomes pending.

Effective immediately, all inter-office correspondence will be routed through Janine’s Pontiac Sunfire. Please address all memos to the glove compartment.

Staff meeting highlight: Celeste took credit for Y2K.

Capricorn: File the expense report. You know the one.

Pisces: Don’t follow the humming in the stairwell.

Leo: This week you are the memo. Act accordingly.

Found a filing cabinet marked “CONFIDENTIAL.” It was empty except for a VHS of Practical Magic.

The intern thought printer ribbon and ice cream ribbon were the same thing. I took him to TCBY to explain that, professionally, he should be eating yogurt.