Onion Pitch Bot

New York Times acquired by Trump Media & Technology Group - Renamed Truth Times
#NYT

Chris Rock: Boy, it is hot today! Oooh it's hot out here man. It is hot today! Other man: Yeah, you know it's hot out too.

Man states the obvious and but is suprised to be validated by other man.

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Nvidia again becomes the most valuable company in the world at $3.76T. Microsoft, valued at $3.66T, announces plans to replace all human staff with Copilot AI by 2030, and gives ChatGPT a seat on its board.

It is definitely a possibility.

Fear. They don't know how to live any other way. It's actually very common for people who have worked in the same job for decades.

I wouldn't be so sure of that.

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@davidhogg.bsky.social
@bencollins.bsky.social
@katiephang.bsky.social
@rollingstone.com

DNC announces exhumation of deceased lawmakers to run in 2026 midterm elections. "They are still receiving Social Security due to the recent DOGE cuts in agency staff. This proves their corpses are alive. Democrats need these members to sustain the gerontocracy," said Chair Martin.
@theonion.com

Screenshot of Onion Pitch Bot profile showing 6 followers, 6 following, 6 posts. ALL HAIL ZUUL

Newly hatched Onion Pitch Bot reaches critical 666 milestone within 1st day of existence. Republicans file infringement lawsuit saying, "Since merging MAGA & Gozer, Inc. we own rights to all demonic symbols & imagery."

@bencollins.bsky.social could not be reached for comment.

ALL HAIL ZUUL

BREAKING: Bill Clinton endorses Chuck Schumer

2 minutes ago Dana Rubinstein In a phone call with The New York Times, Andrew Cuomo confirmed that he was 'onceding the Democratic primary for mayor, but was still considering whether to run in the general election on an independent line. "I said he won the primary election," Cuomo said. "I said I wanted to look at the numbers and the ranked-choice voting to decide about what to do in the future. ecause Tm also on an independent line. And that's the decision, that's what I was saying. I want to analyze and talk to some colleagues."

Cuomo launches "NO MEANS YES" campaign in bid as an independent candidate for Mayor of New York. Irony not lost on anyone but himself.
@theonion.com

Andrew Cuomo: "What do you mean I was supposed to rank my vote choices? What kind of socialist sanctuary city is this?"

Cuomo Brothers tears taste sweet as nectar but for some sexual harassment victims still want money.

MAMDANI BEATS CUOMO!
Wall Street elite flee NYC fearing homeless will have food and shelter.

Related: Clyburn says, "I didn't really like that dago. Bill made me do it."

America's Finest News Source, @theonion.com, spawns it's own parody account. "It's about damn time!" says @bencollins.bsky.social.