Transmetropolitan Headlines In Real Life

Teacher allegedly snorted cocaine in kindergarten bathroom, claimed she 'always cleans up' A teacher who was accused of snorting cocaine in the bathroom of the kindergarten she worked at allegedly said that she "always cleans up after herself."

Looking forward to how Mötley Crüe covers this one.

No word yet on what happened to the other 98 balloons.

Military Pressured to See ‘Melania’ Against Their Will A military group has evidence of troops being ordered into theater—the movie theater.

Up next on SPKF: Military Personnel 'Advised' To Attend Puffaganda Film (Under Implied Threat Of "[Getting] Jacked Up By Our Unit Commander" If They Didn't)

Be honest, if you really wanted to know the answer, you'd know it by now.

Your brain is warning you: some stones are best left unturned.

Next on Amfeed: 10/10, No Notes, Perfect Transmet Headline

The latest gig-economy offering: AIs replacing you, then outsourcing the labor to you.

The DOJ's official stance since at least 2018 is that PUSA's social media posts are official PUSA statements.

Putting the Vox Praesidis in some unnamed, unsupervised, & unaccountable shitposter's hands seems like a rookie mistake, but what do I know, I'm not on Year Five of presidentin'.

The latest gig-economy offering: AIs replacing you, then outsourcing the labor to you.

Topping Amfeed's human interest stories: a 3rd example of someone hospitalized for sticking vintage munitions up their ass.

RFK Jr, shaking with rage: "...did he say DOCTOR?!"

Someone call Nik Cage, we need to swap the WD-40 & KFC secret recipes.

Next on SPKF: Anti-Porn App Leaks Masturbation Data Of Its Users, Including Minors

Coming up next on Amfeed: MY MOMMY

Holy shit, yes.

Yes, by all means, let's draw comparisons to an avoidable disaster involving LITERAL ICE.

Should have kept that one in the drafts, lint-dick.

We found our Smiler.

Then I shall die as I lived:

A colossal dick.

We did; his name is RFK Jr.

Next on SPKF: Church Partners With Professional Sadist "Mr. Beast", Hopes To Make Child Marriage Cool Again

It doesn't help that Google searches for LDS are how I found out Warren Jeffs is still the leader of FDLS while serving a life sentence for CSA.

Not the same org, but wow. (un)Holy fuck.

Coming up on Amfeed:

Coming up next on SPKF:

How a bigger-looking butt could be a sneaky sign of autism and ADHD Your backside might reveal a thing or two about your brain.

Big butt and a smile? The girl's poison.
Big butt and no smile? The girl's autistic.

'I Loved That AI:' Judge Moved by AI-Generated Avatar of Man Killed in Road Rage Incident How the sister of Christopher Pelkey made an avatar of him to testify in court.

Up next on Amfeed, genAI just-the-tips its wick into the US legal system.

A tweet from the New York Post verified account, showing pictures of Tyler Robinson, a screen with Wordle on it, and Charlie Kirk speaking. Post reads "Charlie Kirk's alleged assassin Tyler Robinson was a video game 'savant' who played Wordle less than an hour before shooting"

Here's a fun party game, everyone go around the room and tell everyone what the Post is gonna report you were fiddling with during your pre-crime shit.

Mine's Vampire Survivors!

*cough* Newsom *cough*

Computer, enhance.

As you can see captain, while the message appears to be coming from the women, it's actually coming from that barely-disguised creep who grins like he's getting away with it.

Now On Amfeed: Gaggle Of Pearl-Clutchers Suddenly Cool With Defacing The White House

DO NOT *swallows liver king branded supplements* MY FRIENDS *buys expensive suit* GET ADDICTED *lathers up rogaine shampoo* TO GENDER AFFIRMING CARE *chases trt meds with viagra* IT WILL TAKE HOLD OF YOU *injects botox* & YOU WILL RESENT ITS ABSENCE *clicks extra-veiny on dick extension order*

Next On SPKF: Opponents Of Gender-Affirming Care Have A Sad About Looking Unglamorous In Their Photos