A haunted house but it’s just a loop of the time the server said, “thanks, come again” and I said “YOU TOO!”

Watching the Pitt and Noah hasn’t asked for one CBC or Chem-7 did he learn nothing at ER?

Me now: oh thank you Delta get this bagzilla away from me whew what a relief

Me in 5 mins: omg omg what if they lose my bag I shall track the AirTag every 3.5 mins for the next 7 hours

Sometimes my depression is like “we’re not quite there yet why don’t you strip and look at your dumb face and dumb body in the mirror whilst reminiscing about that dumb thing you said in the elevator yesterday and THEN we can have the ice cream”

Alternate side parking is discriminatory against ADHD ppl

BRAIN: all righty, if we leave RIGHT NOW we should be right on time maybe even early this day’s gonna be the…

BODY: you know what’d be cool right about now? A niiiice loooong poop session

Thanks for the job offer, just finally caught up on all the Dr appts I needed so I’m available to start around Feb 15

INT apt 10:30pm

*buzz*
Who is it?
*buzz*
Who is it?
*buzz*
WHO. IS. THERE.
*delivery*
What kind?
*crickets*

~wide awake until 2am~

We are not the same, men.

🌟 Celebrating three days of not correcting anyone’s grammar or spelling in a group text 💫

Do ppl eat that li’l moist gross tip of the banana or nah

Current underpant classifications:

- Preferred
- Ex-preferred, still hanging
- Too big but all cotton, might as well work out in them
- Why are these in my drawer I can afford underpants

Ate the top piece of the banana with the weird li’l black part, in case you thought I was f*cking around today.

Google maps: that’s an 8-minute walk

New Yorkers: my fucking ass 8 minutes

It’s not guns it’s mental hea…

This is really unfair to everyone who just voted for him for the racism.

I know this isn’t a top priority rn but we have data that shows we live longer when we take naps and I haven’t noticed any nap-time wings being built out do you people believe in science or what

I clean before the cleaning lady, but not so much that the cleaning lady would KNOW I cleaned before her. Lest she think I overthink it.