dr. Marcel Piss 🥜

Everyone is dumb as shit now except me. I am normal dumb

You’ve waltzed your last Matilda, pal

Maxing out the gamma on my computer screen. I need the magic fun surface to cause me physical harm as penance

It’s a Jimmy eat Jimmy world

Wish I was snacking on a big ass turkey leg right now but instead I’ve got the night terrors again

Me and the boys

Lee Brice singing on stage at the Turning Point USA halftime show.

i just wanna
drive my truck
mow this grass
drink my beer
dress like ass

To whom it may concern: Fuck Work Friday has been appropriated into Motherfucker Friday by the motherfuckers.
The fuck workers are encouraged to come over; it is a big tent and anyone is welcome to be a motherfucker. We are building an equitable world for every motherfucker.

Touching grass is not enough
I need about 17 Miller High Lives! They’re the Champagnes of Beers!

Mesopotamianpeasantfarmer I. FUCKING. HATE. FARMING. The hunter-gatherers stand around my fields and shout go wheat boy go

The other half of the early agriculture shitpost canon:

They are genuinely dumb as shit.

Lots of people are priced out of fast food chains. Why wouldn’t people buy more rotisserie chickens? They serve the same purpose.

Burying the lede that many don’t have the money/time/energy to make decent meals for themselves/their household so they go for convenience. A rotisserie chicken at my local grocer is $6 & it’s multiple meals for my household w/ no prep. We’re all burned out & stressed, let us have this.

I’m sucking up all your oxygen! It’s mine now! Deep breaths! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Don't give anything an Emmy until it's as good as this.

metallica voice i was born for balding!!!!!!

There probably are prototype blueprints for catapult-esque launch systems floating around NASA’s archives but, given that Musk’s skull is a shoebox full of dead bugs, he’s probably imagining a Wile E Coyote ACME sort of invention

a stalk of celery, an onion, and a carrot dance across a kitchen counter holding hands and carrying a spoon and ladle

it's a mirepoix party
#art

Nothing makes me feel more American than postponing a mental health crisis until the end of contracted hours.

Hair pants, pants made of hair

I said WAS

A hairy, many-headed infernal creature just stole my 2016 Mazda Miata (65k miles, paid off 2 years early, iridescent cobalt blue, bumper sticker that says “Brother, It’s Football Time!”, white door handles) and the cops aren’t doing shit about it

Everyone is dumb as shit now except me. I am normal dumb

Once the Chinese perfect the art of drunk driving, Missouri and Tennessee will fall in line immediately.

This is so good

Parody of the classic chart of The Hero's Journey, labeled as The Fool's Errand. Divided into two sections: Unknown and Unknown. It is a great circle. - Opportunity to gain - Supernatural Prank - Unheeded Advice Here, the Fool passes from the Unknown into the Unknown - Slip 'n' fall (intensification of error) - Helper (who always lies) - Old man (mistaken for wise) - Seductions and Temptations - Helper (who also always lies) - CONFUSION - Hall of Mirrors - confrontation with the self - Stumbling through the thorns - The Unforgivable Misunderstanding Passing from the Unknown back into the Unknown - (Rejection of the Goddess) - Coming home before he's supposed to

FOUND IT

If Jimmy had been born a generation earlier, he would be in the redacted emails

Running for president on the “Everyone Gets A Weekly 15lb Brisket” platform

Château de Fuck You

a medieval illustration of two hares killing and skinning a man

they’re doing this to me tomorrow