Your Friend Alex

Sounds nice though. Waking up and expecting a great meal every morning.

Was anyone detained?

Unlike humans, alligators have no capacity for malice. (Neither do bears, which is a different conversation, but not really.)

Wonder what the crystal girlies would say about me accidentally vacuuming up my rose quartz

One of the most difficult realizations I've made as an adult is that like 70% of the population has bad breath. Are y'all OK?

Black ink on a white notecard that reads: “Dear wife, in numerology, the #27 represents evolution that unifies duality. I hope I’ve evolved somewhat over the past quarter-century (+2) with you. I know that our relationship has. Here’s to the next 27 and the punctuated equilibrium that will continue to unify our duality in mysterious, profound, and always beautiful ways. I love you.”

#notesfromtheflowershop These two are wealthy beyond belief.

A young boy sleeps peacefully in bed

How I sleep knowing I’m about to turn 39, my “sexual peak” is behind me, and I can now begin transitioning to my final form of withered crone

I genuinely believe that within our lifetime we’ll have technology that exposes us to ads while we’re asleep because it’s presently the only time we’re neither producing nor consuming. Terrific, isn’t it?

Just saw a guy in a black Tesla eating his boogers at a stoplight. Another proud member of Musk’s army of alphas

Got too high and ate both servings of my HelloFresh meal

You know it’s been a long week when you drop your laundry at the fluff’n fold and apologize to the attendant for what she’s about to go through

As a single, childless, self-supporting woman, it feels a little thrilling and defiant to even exist in this political climate. It’s fun to imagine how angry some men would be just to imagine me standing topless in my kitchen, eating fruit over my sink and answering to no one

As a florist and chronically single person, I feel destined to hate Valentine’s Day. But I fucking LOVE it. Always have. Can’t explain it. Wish I was cooler about it.

Egg shortage has made me into a chia pudding girlie and I bet my LDL is so pissed

You know I really thought the Trump administration would ease us into the concentration camp idea but I guess we’re just going whole hog #gitmo

#notesfromtheflowershop Are you going to ask her out to a romantic pasghetti dinner?

Can someone please explain to the President the difference between forest and chaparral

Trump congratulating George Whitesides on his “great name” is so on-brand it’s actually very funny. He’s a caricature.

Me policing comments on Rednote

This is an eternal, internal conflict for me

Shout-out to the friends who have deftly transitioned to texting me memes since I've deleted my Instagram #realones

Shitlibs will really deadname a trans person just to stick it to Trump. Why don’t y’all stick to designing RBG merch on Redbubble

Even if your street was called HAM RAPIDS?

Millennials will never know the joy of owning a home on Ham Rapids St

Punk rock take: I’ve been saying Elon Musk is the worst person in the world for AT LEAST five years. Yes I’m smug about it.

Very nice indeed.

Well now what the hell am I supposed to do before bed? Masturbate? #tiktokban