WholeAssNurse

Breakfast in bed is considered romantic and sweet but me eating mashed potatoes in bed at 6pm is somehow concerning

Sometimes it’s really really hard not to be a little sex kitten. I have a strong whore side apparently😂

Here lately, I have the attention span of a gerbil.

Sounds like a fun lunch to me😂

It's almost like my friend gave me a strong-ass edible when we met for lunch today.

That post was from five minutes ago, I was a different person then.

I'll put you in a figure 4 leg lock

- me, flirting

So disappointed in you, night sky.

In a gun-obsessed society, everything is a trigger.

It’s gonna take a lot more than that to change my mind. Maybe do a magic trick or something

Had the weirdest fucking dream last night. I was dating my boyfriend from age 17 and he kept cheating on me and my dumbass kept taking him back and literally crying. I woke up crying and I’m like, huh?

I may not be the typical mom of the year, but damn if I ain’t killin it🤣

😘😘

Morning😘

The squirrels will tell my story.

Two kids watch JoJo’s, one drawing on an iPad and the other looking up info about succulents 😂 All 18+

*Actual conversation*

Husband: This is the coldest day we’ve had in October in a long time.

Me: ummmm, it’s November🤣😂🤣

Husband: Never mind then.

I woke up to like 100 notifications and I dreamed I posted my boobs so I was like oh shit, did I? NyQuil is strong stuff my friends.

now don’t get me wrong: capers ARE delicious, I just thought they might be a bit more dangerous and exciting

sorry I've been like this for the past thirteen years I was dehydrated

It takes so little effort not to be a piece of shit, and yet so many still seem to fall short of even that.

Be kind. Try not to hurt people. Assume the best. And for fuck's sake, don't play with people's hearts.

Should have never quit my job as a fence post in Nebraska

You may think you’re on top of things but I’m already in line at Best Buy

Wind-up Victrola and chill?

I'm a special kind of drunk right now.

I always wear latex gloves when I chop jalapenos due to an unfortunate fingering incident with my wife back in 2007.

You know when you know you shouldn’t do something but you know damn well you are still going to do that something?

~~~~most of my decisions😂

A picture of a woman looking off camera

A picture of a woman making a goofy face

This is what boredom looks like😂

Pooh on you too😝

Just a girl obsessed with the moon.