Tim Champa

Elon convincing his kids to eat: “there are starving children in Africa who work in my mine”

these tariffs are going to dramatically increase the cost of my fentanyl

I don’t know if it’s possible to make a dog racist, but I’m gonna keep doing my experiments

I spent all of high school and college playing in punk bands and that whole time I never saw anyone rock out as hard as my daughter does to “The Ants Go Marching In”

I think if I was constantly complaining about my party being unfairly labeled as a bunch of racists and nazis, I would probably go out of my way to avoid doing anything that looks even remotely like a nazi salute

I genuinely don’t think all cops are monsters—some of them are just regular, Average Joes who, like most people, are bad at their jobs

some people feel the need to go on social media and project a level of fame and success they don’t actually have and it makes me cringe so hard every time I do it

only four more days until, per tradition, we put Joe Biden on an ice floe and push him out to sea

brb I have to heart react to a post and then text it to the group chat saying “I hate this”

was really hoping my daughter didnt inherit my food issues, but she just said “I love you” to a cookie

being a politician should be like jury duty. I dont trust anyone who WANTS to be town comptroller

leaving the Globetrotters game early after it became clear the Washington General weren’t going to pull out a win

Christmas is that magical time of year when my whole extended family gathers around to watch my nephew play Minecraft

Russell Stover is a great way to tell someone that you know they love chocolate and you think they are old

my daughter put all her Duplos in her onesie and now shes clanking around the house like Jacob Marley

any time I get my hair cut short there’s a part of me that feels like I lost an argument with my mom

he isnt dead he’s suffering from a post-existing condition

my daughter was watching the Disney Channel and said “I love you” to Mickey Mouse, a thing she has not said to me yet

anytime my daughter cries when she meets a mall santa, I just lean over to one of the other parents and go “she can always tell

watching a movie where two exes finally figure out how to be friends post-divorce and saying to my wife “that could be us one day”

hey! I made a starter pack:

go.bsky.app/SZYMXhJ

Sisyphean loan shark cursed to push Jay Leno down hill for all eternity

“the rhythm method” is what JD Vance calls it when he shakes a crying baby

Trump is threatening to deport 10 million Mexicans—to put that into perspective thats like 5 million Gabriel Iglesiases