deadpan

donald trump has been found unresponsive next to a bottle of flintstones chewables

wifes love asking shit like "Honey, what is the Blowjob Olympics?" and "Why is 'Blowjob Olympics' listed on our CC statement like 14 times"

CLAUDIUS: B-but Grandmother, w-w-what's in the f-files?

LIVIA: Something you had better hope remains there. They'll have all of our heads if it gets out.

CLAUDIUS: *All* of our heads??

HEROD AGRIPPA <smirking>: Eastern Barbarian though I am, even I know enough not to put things in writing!

better get both, you'll need the black one for funerals

from: orders@amazon.com
to: jeevacation@gmail.com

Your Amazon order is expected to deliver today. This email was sent from an address that cannot accept incoming email. Please do not reply to this message.

from: jeevacation@gmail.com
to: orders@amazon.com

wwhere’s my ordur.. im a pedophile btw

Jeffrey Epstein sitting in Professor X's Cerebro helmet to locate every sex offender on the planet and broadcast to them a single global telepathic pulse that says "i,,m the .email pedaphole"

jeffrey epstein won't see your jokes about how poorly written his emails were, but your barely literate friends also won't see them, because they can't read. fire away

"And she's GOT such a long way to GOOOOOOO"

Poster for the movie "Perfect Days" showing Koji Yakusho as a public toilet cleaner, sitting on a bench at the Yoyogi Hachimangu shrine

Bob on the same bench, posing like the protagonist

he has become toilet man

I dunno Bill it looks comfy, just curl up in there and take a nap

Alan Dershowitz has killed himself on celebrity wheel of fortune

Was reading in the newspaper about this cat whose owner feeds him lasagna. Like at least one full tray of it, every day. His excuse is “well he likes it”. And then he complains that the cat is fat! Christ, some people shouldn’t be pet owners

Every time I see a picture of JD Vance I'm reminded of the time @bransonreese.bsky.social described a Rude Tales NPC as "a shitty little guy with a face that sucks"

Mario Cuomo tried for decades to make it unthinkable to even say the word mafia around him. His son, Andrew Cuomo, has a base entirely composed of ex-mafia gas tax cheats posting on YouTube Shorts.

mr mayor it is imperative: you need to let me hotbox one of these things at maximum elevation

If the sandwich don’t split, you must acquit

While certainly not the main takeaway from last night I think it's worth taking a moment to consider that Cuomo's campaign was the first big campaign to prominently use AI generated campaign ads, and it totally ate shit

Zohran has ended his victory speech by summoning and entrapping the spirit of Andrew Cuomo in a Greater Soul Gem. The translucent former governor's mouth hangs open in a pained howl as he writhes within the jewel, but makes no sound.

anyone else think this whole Dick Cheney death narrative is a little... off? ex-VPs just don't suddenly die. I have questions and so should you.

Andrew Cuomo has just been detained by animal control and will be destroyed by 12:00 A.M. EST

zohran: good morning rama my wife
rama: hello mamdani

dick cheney has endorsed cuomo by dying

Andrew Cuomo is waving a gun around outside that weird one Shake Shack in I think Washington Square Park. Derek Jeter is also there.

A comic strip titled The Amazing World of Tomorrow. A food delivery robot cooler drives down a sidewalk. It crashes into a rental scooter. It backs up. It crashes into the rental scooter again. The scooter wobbles. The scooter falls to the ground as the food delivery robot backs up again. A driverless taxi crashes into both the scooter and the food delivery robot sending them flying.

The Amazing World Of Tomorrow

Still need more baseball?

We found a CD in our archives containing dozens of unused voice lines from MLB Slugfest 20-03 rejected by the MLB. Here's some of our favorites.