Electrode Girl

Electrode Girl (@electrodegirl) M = t / r × C Today I bought skincare, socks, gloves. I walked 70 metres up the road in the dark on my own and back. I went out four times, including taking the rubbish out. I bathed and washed my...

A carer wrote this on an envelope:

M = t / r × C

Motivation = task balanced reward multiplies confidence.

So I rewarded myself.

That was the work.

#MentalHealth #TraumaRecovery #LivedExperience

substack.com/@electrodegi...

Today I walked 70m up the road alone in the dark and back.

I washed, dressed, cooked, posted, redesigned my website.

HTT signed me back to CMHT.

Pair of black five finger shoes, flanked by rainbow striped toe socked feet, both flat on a brown floor. Red pyjamas on legs

Yesterday I got into a taxi to see friends.

We ate brisket and kugel after Hanukah.

I had a small nip of whiskey.
For a few hours, I felt more like myself.

Today I walked a short distance on my own, in the dark, and came back.

Same shoes. No metaphor.

Both required determination. Both count.

#HomeTreatmentTeam
#NonEngagement
#MentalHealthCare
#CrisisSupport
#ConditionalCare
#LeavingWasTheIntervention
#DistressIsNotRefusal
#MentalHealthSystem
#PatientVoice
#CareAndControl

For the whole story, go here: open.substack.com/pub/electrod...

When distress is read as refusal, care becomes conditional.
When you're most in need, presence disappears.
What’s written down matters.

"I was told the Home Treatment Team were leaving because I 'wasn’t engaging'.
I was crying hard.
I couldn’t speak properly.
I was trying to get my breathing back under control.
The leaving was the intervention."

Today did not de-escalate Today didn’t resolve itself.

This isn’t a recovery post. It’s a record of what today looked like from the inside.

I've written more about this and am leaving a link to my substack below.

#mentalhealth #livedexperience #crisiscare #agoraphobia

open.substack.com/pub/electrod...

I also had to make decisions while unwell. Whether to go out on Christmas Eve. Whether I could manage the logistics. Whether being alone would be worse.

I did make a booking. A friend will stay on the phone with me when I get home. That matters. It’s about safety.

After that, the anxiety kept rising.

My breathing sped up. I was alone, trying to manage medication limits, trying not to panic about the panic itself.

Physiology and fear feeding each other.

Today didn’t de-escalate.

The Home Treatment Team came and left. They did not help.

They left while I was crying and asking for help, and they ended the visit abruptly, claiming I wasn't engaging with them.

They showed no empathy at all.

The effect of that is still in my body.

Electrode Girl | Substack Writing from inside mental illness, trauma and recovery-in-progress. electrodegirl.substack.com @electrodegirl.bsky.social Instagram: daselectrodegirl. Click to read Electrode Girl, a Substack publica...

It is deeply distressing to know so many people seeking treatment that they simply cannot access - be that psychotherapy, hormone therapy, or medication therapy.

If I could have rTMS and Ketamine treatment, I might feel better, quicker.

electrodegirl.substack.com

This caught my eye.

In years to come, MAYBE some people who suffer with non-dysphoria based major depression will be offered hormone therapy.

I have many trans friends who have described a similar experience as yours.

I use the Flow device. I'm glad and curious as people start to post about it.

Would be happy to write about it specifically for your feed, or a follow.

Thank you for noticing, and posting on such an array of stuff around mental illness.

#flowneuroscience #severeDepression #MentalIllness

This was written over a year ago.

Being Jewish, also estranged from family, and being alone over the holiday season is agonising.

For me there's no way I can observe any part of this year without being around people.

My chosen Mishpachah all seem to have families that actually want them.

Following - I'm cis and straight and fem, but with lots of trans friends. This post really landed with me - for different reasons to you, but ending up at the same place that I've been fighting against pretty much all my life. Glad you leverage your rage; don't ever give up.

Today is quieter, and still very fragile. I cried for nearly two hours with R, who I won't see until the New Year. He and other friends are organising a contact rota so I have company.

#MentalHealth #HousingCrisis #Depression #Anxiety #SystemsFailure

At the same time, Dan was speaking to the housing team, who raised a past final offer and asked for a GP letter, without offering a viewing and without acknowledging that my non response happened during a crisis.

Support did not arrive. Consequences kept moving.

What tipped me into crisis yesterday When things were already really bad...

What tipped me into crisis yesterday was not just how unwell I was.

A planned HTT meeting did not happen. CMHT did not attend. No visit, no call. Dan was with me and spoke directly to the CMHT trying to find out what was going on.

open.substack.com/pub/electrod...

Bought a few NeeDoh cubes today.
Small, squishy, quietly effective.
Something grounding to hold when my nervous system is loud and words are not helping.
Letting small supports count.

#mentalhealth #anxiety #nervoussystem #selfsoothing #sensorytools #NeeDoh

electrodegirl.substack.com

Isolation & Housing Negotiating an opaque system

I’ve written about what’s been happening with my housing application and the overlap with mental health support.

Nothing is resolved yet, but there is movement and professional involvement.

#HousingCrisis #SocialHousing #MentalHealth #CMHT

open.substack.com/pub/electrod...

Glad you are better. I'm still waiting for my 6pm meds slot...

I need to be rehoused as I don't feel safe here (noise, people, isolation).

I'm trying really hard to get through each day.

Been thinking of blowing loads of money on ketamine therapy.

I currently can't go out without someone - and I have to push myself to stand outside where I live for 90s (noisy traffic intersection, isolated). I guess #agoraphobia counterbalanced with acceptance that you are ill, it isn't your fault and #microtasking is sometimes the only way forward.

How are you now? So sorry this interacted with you in the way you feel it did. #agoraphobia is relatively new to me - back in June I was still driving my car. Now I'm forcing myself to walk outside the house I live in and stand there for 90s. Not helped by a very noisy traffic crossing.

This has just described me. I presently struggle just to answer the front door for deliveries of food etc. I wish more people understood this horrible condition. I've always been a bit #claustrophobic but #agoraphobia is something quite new - or at least the symptoms I now have are very new.

#FlowHeadset #FlowNeuroscience #MentalHealth #DataDrivenHealing #Mindfulness #ProgressNotPerfection #Neurostimulation #HealingIsntLinear #SelfGrowth

#FlowHeadset #FlowNeuroscience #MentalHealth #DataDrivenHealing #Mindfulness #ProgressNotPerfection #Neurostimulation #HealingIsntLinear #SelfGrowth

The data helps me see that progress isn’t linear — it loops, dips, and returns. Healing isn’t about constant improvement; it’s about noticing what shifts and what stays.

I’m learning that awareness itself is progress.

I’ve been tracking my mood and wellbeing with the Flow headset — using their self-reported data, recorded every few days.

These charts don’t just show scores; they reflect patterns. Sleep, concentration, and zest for life fluctuate. Mood steadies, unease softens, and optimism rises slightly.

#mentalhealth #livedexperience #agoraphobia #smallsteps #coping #recovery

It didn’t feel empowering or brave. It didn’t fix anything.

But it was a decision made inside fear rather than around it. Then I went back in and carried on with the day as best I could. This is what progress looks like when everything is heavy.