Wife has done her usual 'you don't need to get me anything'. So I haven't.

Why does Peter Crouch have to be so nice all the time? Needs to up his game and tell someone to fuck off on live telly.

That gobshite Forest owner should just put himself in the dugout. Let's see how good he is.

Never for a second thought that Ratcliffe one would turn out to be the new Eichmann.

Being treated to a carvery lads.

Just send us back to Goodison ffs

I'd like to see Starmer showing real solidarity by taking the podium in a pair of those horrendous curling shoes. Who needs McSweeney.

Dead excited for tonight's 0-0 at the Bramley arena. Should be a cracker.

...'because I'd get laughed out the gaff'

Imagine taking a copy to the counter. I'd expect to be fitted with an electronic tag on the way out.

Think Max Brooks' Devolution might be the most hilarious novel I've ever read. Massive chimp lads ripping people's heads off in an eco village. Belting stuff!

Went ice skating once. Total disaster. Had to use a child's penguin stabiliser frame to get off the rink. Fucking joke.