Max ElLeon

Ngl yall the egg been crackin on me a lil bit lately the disphoria of not being born in a tiny lil twinky boy body rlly been HITTIN lately the urge to do gayboy shit w gayboys rlly been FUCKIN W ME LATELY

Smol dump of the K-Pop Demon Hunters fanart I've done this past week. My roommate and I have watched it 3 times in as many weeks, and both have the soundtrack constantly on repeat. Houston, we may have a problem 😅😭

You ever have someone say some dumb ass shit and like they're not even necessarily TRYING to be an ass but it comes off really fucking asshole-ish and just absolutely destroys ur vibe n now ur just pissy and annoyed or am I just PMSing that hard rn

Oh yeah, update: he got fucking fired lol

When u actually make something rlly pretty 😭😭💚 maybe I just love green

Adventures at work: the resident fascist pissed me off so bad I punched a wall repeatedly and now my hand is bruised. My only regret is that the wall suffered and not his face. Hoping he's finally fired.

The good part of AI is that the only thing a writer can do to combat it is to become more human. Make your writing weirder, hornier, more violent, absurd, poetic, difficult, political, jagged, dreamlike, ironic, surreal, alive. You don't have any choice but to plumb the depths.

Anyway idk how to end this thread, I just don't know where to go from here in this situation, I just know I don't think I'm gonna continue pursuing this person romantically & I lowkey doubt he wants to pursue me romantically anymore either so. Big dumb blowup waste of time ig ☠️ what's new, right?

& ik he has his own personal stuff going on, but that's not an excuse to project onto me in that way; & if he misinterpreted what I was trying to say I believe he should have TRIED to clarify before jumping to conclusions, being upset w me for his conclusions, & refusing to believe my clarifications

Like I just can't see myself w someone who freaks out on me when I set a small personal boundary and open up about anxieties or things that bother me. It's natural to have hurt feelings if someone changes their mind but to blame and punish me for it is just not okay honestly

& I wonder if it's even my place to tell him he needs to work on himself before he can be w someone you know, I just know that he was checking every box for me, but this was the most important box and he missed it BIG TIME & its just a deal-breaker for me

I don't think it'd be fair to him or any potential partners for him to try to be in a relationship before he does some serious introspection into WHY he reacted that way because it was honestly so appalling. And idek how I would bring this all up to him bc I don't wanna risk another issue like that

-- bc idek where to go from here. Like I like him as a person, he's very sweet for the most part and I don't wanna stop being his friend but I also don't think he's emotionally in a place to pursue a relationship rn if this is how he reacts to serious conversations or disagreements

In the end, he ended up saying he needed to "step back" because he was so upset and didn't say anything to me for like two days, & when he finally did it was just "I'm not ignoring you im deal w some stuff w my mom" & that was maybe two days ago & honestly I left that msg on delivered--

So him calling it a fight just because it was an uncomfortable conversation is a huge red flag, as well as him choosing to take my anxiety personally and accuse me of several things I didn't do. And even after clarifying, he still insisted I was doing the things he was accusing me of.

Like I never compared him to anyone or said I didn't trust him. Like, I literally told him I was anxious because I DID trust him. And as far as I was concerned, nobody was arguing. I was trying to be open and vulnerable and share my feelings and I was open to him sharing his pov & feelings too

And that I "switched up suddenly bc he made a dumb joke" and I was "trying to make him the bad guy" and he didn't wanna come see me "after we've been fighting" and a whole bunch of other stuff I just personally felt was disproportionate of a reaction and also very untrue

-- & that my only intention was for him to not be surprised if in the moment I decided I was too anxious to be physical, & that I wanted him to understand why that would be.
Cut to him telling me I've severely hurt his feelings because I told him "I don't trust him" & "compared him to other guys"--

This is where I feel we're emotionally incompatible:
His response was to cancel coming out altogether, which ofc reads as "he suddenly doesn't want to see me bc i won't put out" so I tell him that's what it comes across as and that that is exactly what I was anxious abt in the first place--

The next morning I sent him my address and said like "hey if you're still wanting to come out this is my address" bc I wanted him to know I still wanted to see him but didn't want to pressure him either way

-- finishing the chapter I was working on (I'm writing a book) and hopefully I would feel better and calmer by the time i was finished. Probably took me a couple hours to finish, and I messaged him to say I had finished it, and then fell asleep by the time he replied

-- rather than later that I was having second thought abt being physical due to anxiety & having had bad past relationships, but as I was trying to explain my feelings I could feel that I was making myself more anxious so I told him as much and let him know I was gonna take a break and focus on--

I wasn't mad, or even rlly upset, just didn't rlly like that he kept making that same joke so I told him so in what I personally believe to be a polite but firm way. Then, bc we were on a similar subject already and I was supposed to see him the next day I decided I should tell him sooner--

Like basically he made a dumb joke that he'd been making for days, and it was smth that was making me insecure so I told him like "hey, joke was funny at first but u keep making it and I don't rlly appreciate it can we pls not" and told him why I feel not great about that joke. Super fair.

Basically in regards to my thread from a few days ago, I don't think (guy) is a bad person nor do I think his crash out reaction was directly because I changed my mind abt being physical with him BUT he did still have what I belive to be a disproportionate reaction & to me thats still a red flag

In case it isn't obvious this is where I scream into the void with full expectancy that I won't be heard, or will only be heard by those about as insane as I am, so I come with yet more things I need to talk thru w myself for the purpose of making wise decisions

Jk fixed her skin bc it was GREEN??

Digitized one of my favorite drawings

Talking abt yr mom

Like I'm just sad and stupid and I'm tired.