Kukla Reaper

me: im selling these boots with free standard shipping

her: can i get express shipping

me: if you're willing to pay $20 for express, then yes

her: no no, can i get free express shipping

me: no

her: what the actual fuck

me: my thoughts exactly, girl, fuck outta here

walked into the mall as a family walked out, and one of the little girls looks at me with a huge grin and goes "dad, did you SEE the PRETTY LADY?!"

i could see the cogs turning as he tried to decide whether to say yes for his daughter or no for his wife

Would you let them all just spit in your mouth?

No?

Then put a mask on, what's wrong with you, you're being gross. And if nothing else, it will keep you from touching the straps/stanchions/railings that everyone else is touching, then absentmindedly touching your face.

it's graffiti for me. i know ONE of the letters has a double, but never know if it's the f or the t

dear youtube: nobody wants to watch your 2 hour long ad breaks in the middle of the 20 minute video they clicked on. stop it, you're embarrassing yourself

man goes fishing but when he goes to reel in his catch, the fish pops up like

the excess being cut off is SUPPOSED to end up in a catchment bin, but sometimes it just doesnt, and the chains can drag the shards back through the machine. it happens, but that's what quality control is for - to eyeball every packet to ensure this doesn't reach customers

i'm in food manufacturing so i know exactly what happened. the hard clear plastic of the tray runs through the machine, with chains gripping the edges to move it along. those edges are cut off just before the packaging leaves the machine, and shards can be created at this point

my issue is that i have had this exact thing happen before, from this exact brand. i have also bought PLENTY of candy packaged in these hard clear plastic trays, and NEVER had it happen with any other brand.

X-TREME candy clearly needs to hire more quality control crew.

photo of a chunk of hard clear plastic. it's one inch long, a quarter inch wide, and one side is jagged like a steak knife. in the background is a package of X-TREME branded sour straps in strawberry flavor

i contacted a candy company to say that shards of hard clear plastic had been sandwiched between the candy and i nearly swallowed what was essentially a one-inch razor.

they're sending me free candy to apologize. i think they're trying to kill me

it usually happens when i'm uninterested in a movie, but has happened at live music gigs, and in conversations

this usually happens when i'm bored out of my brain, literally as it turns out, and not when i'm genuinely tired. it's also not just vivd daydreaming - my heart rate drops to my sleeping rate of 30bpm regardless of what i'd been doing

does anyone else have the ability to fall semi-asleep with their eyes open and processing data, so they're partially aware of reality but the brain is giving it a wildly incorrect interpretation?

i can't be the only one

i'm so used to other drivers warning me, in my sports car, of a cop car up ahead. had one today, waved my thank you, then realized i was driving a jimny and burst out laughing. the thing is incapable of getting up to the speed limit at any point, but thanks all the same, good sir

my brain is poorly wired and i require google maps to get around the town i've lived my whole life in, but you can dump me anywhere in australia, blindfolded, and i will still know exactly where the nearest cemetery is

sis: what's your favorite gravestone

mom: she's seen millions by now, how could she even have a

me: in melb general cemetery there's a young guy whose stone reads "died by misadventure in the ocean" and next to him is "died by shark attack" with the same death date

sis: HAH I KNEW YOU'D HAVE ONE

me: i dreamt i was a russian mobster last night

mom: i can't believe you dream of being other people, i always dream of being myself

me: i can't believe you're so unimaginative that in a situation totally unconstrained by reality, you dream of being YOURSELF

perhaps i'm entirely alone in this, but i find grammar errors quite endearing. should of, all the sudden, must of. i like em.

i went to school with twins so identical that they frequently took each other's place, and i was the only one who noticed, because the cadence of their speech was different, and one had better posture

face blindness is so funny because i literally can't see the similarities in identical twins. by the time i look at one face, even if they're RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER, my brain has forgotten what the other one looked like, and i'm physically incapable of comparing them

two characters in 'my life with the walter boys'. they're watching the rodeo and one is grimacing

alex riding a bucking bronc with both hands on the rope

my face when i'm watching my life with the walter boys and everyone is cheering for alex having just successfully ridden a bucking bronc except he shouldve been disqualified because both hands gripped the rope before his 8 seconds were up:

my normal walking route includes my old 1km trek to the school bus stop. i realized the other day that i do it in 11 minutes wearing sneakers these days, but used to do it in 8 minutes wearing jeffrey campbell lita's. i was always running late and jogged half of it back then, lord knows how 💀

my ability to seem sane and coherent has its disadvantages, because no one ever truly believes that i'm in pain, because how could i be in pain when i'm having a totally normal conversation. maybe i should've started with "the pain is worse than the time i nearly died of gangrene"

my sister once called for my help, saying there was a bat in her bedroom, because i had friends in wildlife rescue. we showed up at 2am to discover it was a microbat who was very happy about the 12-foot ceilings. that was the first time i realized bats could be so tiny

btw all of my wildlife encounters come with the blanket statement: do not pet the wildlife. that's not how we do. we appreciate it from as great a distance as circumstances will allow me good buds

my talents include pausing a TV show without realizing there was only 47 seconds left of the episode

a cartoon of grinch with a blue background ALT: a cartoon of grinch with a blue background

my surgeon: we use this technique to minimise scarring, and if there's any trace of scar remaining, we provide free laser treatment to take care of that

my tattoo artist: ok so the aim is to look like someone slashed you open and you're covered in scars, yes?

me:

a woman wearing glasses and a blue shirt says oh boy . ALT: a woman wearing glasses and a blue shirt says oh boy .

my surgeon: wear a sports bra every time you're awake, go braless when you're in bed

my tattoo artist: you cannot wear a bra, at all, for multiple weeks. if you do, i will kill you myself

me:

nobody should be grading themselves against somebody with a different body type than they were born with. it's too painful. all bodies are beautiful and sometimes I hate mine too even though it's privileged but it is *so much about genetics* I cannot emphasize it enough. you're being played

I CAN TOLERATE ONE VOWEL. I CAN EVEN TOLERATE TWO VOWEL. BUT FOUR VOWEL IS RIGHT OUT!!!!