ointment god

#CrucifyUncleIan

I'm bald as fuck but sometimes when I think about it I have hair

once again i was ahead of the game

These tissues have to be four ply *takes another bite* or maybe five

One of these days I'm gonna write something so beautiful that they turn it into an emoji or maybe even a muffin flavor

They're playing Bluey at the club and lowkey I'm learning lessons about friendship and compassion

doing a mamdani-esque scavenger hunt in my neighborhood. the first stop is the patch of grass that my dog used to always take a shit in.

ive licked streetlights in cities you wouldn't take a step in

clearly you've never been to transgender surgery game night

(guy who literally just got a job after being unemployed for years): "hey we all got work tomorrow"

not a lot of likes on my recent posts,,, reminds me of that time i did stand-up in chernobyl

over the past few days ive lost a lot of respect for peter griffin

looking for a snapple fact on the cap of a tylenol bottle

you will find SD cards inside closets that you didn't even know were in your house

do you guys watch spongebob with the captions on or off

i completely forgot that the florida panthers made the playoffs in 2012. sorry about that, guys.

highkey fuck this city. deadass bro im moving to saskatchewan.

did jerry seinfeld ever find out what the deal with airplane food is? or is it kind of like a jimmy buffett "still looking for that lost shaker of salt" situation?

tattoo idea: my brother's initials. feel free to use this one, guys.

tiktok dance to the script of brokeback mountain

it's kind of poetic that january 1st is also new year's day

sisyphus and kate bush walk into a bar

a text means nothing. liking my instagram story means everything. #iykyk

Jesus Christ was flirting with a girl at the bar last night. #HeIsRizzing

transgender surgery game night

"A Black man is getting a standing ovation in the Deep South for breaking a record of an all-time baseball idol. What a marvelous moment for baseball. What a marvelous moment for Atlanta and the state of Georgia. What a marvelous moment for the country and the world.”

This was Vin Scully's call of Henry Aaron's 715th home run. Tonight Major League Baseball cut off the first sentence, starting it with the "What a marvelous moment" part because they don't want to anger the white supremacists who run our country and of whom Rob Manfred is an ardent supporter.

there's nothing like eating a few hot dogs, cracking open an iced tea, and naming a dog stuart. #summer

i would thrive in a sensory deprivation tank

not now babe im deciding which Beach House album is my favorite