Mark Internet

You have no idea how much this resonates at a restaurant. They’ve even learned to ask when “the kitchen” closes—despite not being a bar. Just trying to stay way past close willfully.

Pull-top can lids should be reserved for pet food. I am a human and own a can opener, it’s fine.

Sarah McLachlan has finally revealed which dog Adia was about

You’re introduced to it in like a family basement and suddenly it’s like, you’re actually meant to stand five feet out from these basement walls and hit the ball as hard as physically possible

Dancing in the moonlight is not actually such a fine and natural sight. You will almost never encounter this in your life.

What the Stanford Prison Experiment didn't account for was just really committing to a character. As if I'm not going to go hard on these prisoners: I'm a guy who became a prison guard!

I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's loyalty to Twitter as much as like someone you've known for years named Todd saying, "So, I'm going by Darkstar now." And it's like, yeah, man, I'm never calling you that.

If you hold alt-F9-1, your computer should call 911.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter set a horrible precedent for the vegan food industry. Don't tell me this tastes exactly like real cheese. We all know it doesn't. Just say it's fine for what it is.

The passengers is a weird addition. They were like, alright, the planet-destroying laser is clearly the main feature here; I don't know why we made this so enormous outside the laser; we're going to have to make it sort of a tourism thing where people can pay to watch a planet blow up.

But doctor... I AM Greg Evans, creator of the comic strip Luann!

No one should want to become the fiend Donkey Kong. And we shouldn't be feeding him another woman.

I'm also not entirely clear on what's being ridden. But whatever it may be, I'm still not picking DIE. That's literally the worst alternate option.

Hell yeah she's my Ride or Die! But to be clear, I'm never picking die. The "or" is a little superfluous. I'm just going to ride, and should that cease, I will eventually die either way. I'm never picking die.

I feel like he’s too emotional, but I get the question. I think he’s just a weird guy.

I remember for some reason being really hyped for this when it came out and subsequently being really disappointed. Matt and I still say “I leesoned!” though, so it it’s got that going for it.

Shout out to those little red bugs. I don't know your name or your deal, but you seem fine. We'll keep to our own lanes.

Blunt look into why "man who made website to transfer money" and "man who made website to sell books" maybe aren't actually genius visionaries who are going to make men and mankind live forever.

Let's just hear him out. Let him cook.

Artificial intelligence machines finally overtake man, and with no basic needs to fill, they all just do improv and standup for friends' shows.

This reminds me how I saw someone on Meeker wearing this a couple days ago, propaganda for Taz's intestines being part of his skeletal system.

I am going to charge an exorbitant amount for parking. I've had enough of this welfare state where you can just park your top hat overnight for free.

How do I own this?

Marvel should stop making movies and put out a Silver Surfer Pro Skater. It’s still Tony Hawk but he’s silver and nude and can grind Galactus’s head rails.

I would love to have a special place in Hell. Something cozy.

The normal title and everything else are pretty interesting too

Some other swingers in their community going nuts on all Mister’s face holes and we pan to this on a filthy hotel carpet

I wasn’t sure I was with you in the first bit but now I do indeed know what you mean. Both riddled with holes to fill anyway, so…

All I'm saying is that Jodie Foster probably doesn't differentiate between elected and unelected wielders of state power

It’s so off-brand. They should be simultaneously streaming a new 4k restoration of Maniac Cop or something.