@velma.bsky.social
Big heart and laugh at my own jokes. DON'T BE A DICK. Used to be funny...then I had kids
I want to be reincarnated as a cat so I can give my humans the most evil stink eye and then lick my butt and somehow they will see this as a sign of love and admiration.
16.05.2024 18:35 — 👍 5 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0And on this day she had the attention span of a gnat...
04.05.2024 14:08 — 👍 9 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
I miss Rowdy Rowdy Piper
01.05.2024 17:56 — 👍 4 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Somebody needs to look out for us people that trip up stairs...
25.04.2024 13:44 — 👍 7 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0And today I will put on pants...
maybe
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
15.04.2024 17:47 — 👍 11 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0I've updated my terms & conditions.
22.04.2024 01:04 — 👍 32 🔁 14 💬 1 📌 0I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lie there.
14.04.2024 04:08 — 👍 115 🔁 31 💬 4 📌 1people who don’t want the government to interfere with their lives are the same people who want the government to interfere with the lives of everyone else
21.04.2024 20:19 — 👍 244 🔁 85 💬 5 📌 2Typing “general bad vibes” into WebMD.
21.04.2024 21:13 — 👍 385 🔁 96 💬 11 📌 5Doing a lot of guy stuff today, doing my dude diligence.
21.04.2024 22:37 — 👍 72 🔁 26 💬 0 📌 0Sorry I called your baby a “cursed object”
20.04.2024 20:17 — 👍 910 🔁 189 💬 19 📌 7Could you kindly check your calendar and let me know when you might be in the mood for my bullshit?
I look forward to your timely response.
Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”
“Meeting expectations since 1994.”
21.04.2024 16:53 — 👍 338 🔁 46 💬 5 📌 0A coward hides behind their rights.
A hero fights for other people's rights.
The back of your head is flat because your parents didn't love you.
22.04.2024 01:28 — 👍 9 🔁 5 💬 1 📌 0You ever just want to row, row, row your boat with the homies?
22.04.2024 01:19 — 👍 44 🔁 16 💬 4 📌 0This is the energy I want to project on Bluesky.
21.04.2024 23:02 — 👍 16 🔁 3 💬 3 📌 3Someone's gonna get fucking loved around here it might as well be you
22.04.2024 01:32 — 👍 16 🔁 5 💬 2 📌 0Sometimes I fantasize about getting taken hostage by a criminal gang of grandmothers. Just being well fed and released with new socks, some hard candy and a pocketful of quarters.
22.04.2024 01:34 — 👍 37 🔁 20 💬 6 📌 0As a form of punishment I will be subjecting my teenagers to reruns of Baywatch...
12.04.2024 17:45 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0You guys, does the funny come back after kids move out?
01.04.2024 14:21 — 👍 7 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0Me: spring, still coming early?
Spring: new phone who dis?
Someday I will be the trash panda of your dreams
22.03.2024 17:09 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I want to be Matthew McConaughey when I grow up...
22.03.2024 17:09 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Dressing for my dream job is harder than I imagined...I am not getting the love I expected in this inflatable dinosaur costume
04.03.2024 20:48 — 👍 7 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0bastards
04.03.2024 20:41 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I want Calgon to take me away...
04.03.2024 20:40 — 👍 6 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0
