“I’ve got reverse-heartburn! It’s cold!”
@cantmissliss.bsky.social

Don’t get me wrong, I dig Tubi. But I don’t get the “Back by Popular Demand” section. Would they really have me believe that diehard fans are petitioning them to bring back The Hot Chick? Just feverishly emailing them demands that they give back the Rob Schneider content they crave?

Being John Malkovich 2: Having Been John Malkovich

That originally autocorrected to “Scott Staples” and I almost couldn’t bring myself to correct it.

“Ya know, sweetheart, it just goes to show you there’s no shortage of respiratory ailments Scott Stapp could succumb to.”

@cantmissliss.bsky.social

For the last time, guys. JD Vance’s name does not stand for “Jorkin Dapentis” Vance.

I mean, more realistically I’ll graduate at 37-38 with the PhD. But the feeling? Undeniably valid.

On review, I can confidently report that the best character in ‘The Other Guys’ is the unnamed hotdog vendor right at the beginning.

The “grizzly bear” is not instead called the “grizzliest bear” and we are right to be afraid.

At age 33 I have started organically doing sudoku puzzles in the bathroom. Never been more sure that I’m in my prime.

Planning to lose my born-again virginity at Toyotathon.

That scene from Titanic where Jack and Rose are floating on the door, except it’s just me and there’s no door and I’m in a Kroger parking lot in Ohio and a raccoon is trying to wrestle a package of imitation crab meat out of my hands.

The most unrealistic thing about MΞGAN 2 is that Gemma has ever watched a Steven Seagal movie.

Officially enrolled in my Neuroscience and Biomedical Research seminars for the PhD program and lab rotations are taking shape, baby.😎

Ugh. Hate it when one thing leads to another.

Mama Bear, Papa Bear, Baby Bear, and Stephen Colbert. Come on folks, this stuff writes itself.

The Twilight series is really about a very simple question: Would you rather crack open a cold one with the boys, or crack open a boy with the cold ones?

“Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh”

*gently licks tip of finger and turns page of hymnal*

“Rah, rah-ah-ah-ah
Roma, roma-ma
Gaga, ooh-la-la”

“Biblically accurate Pumba.”
- @cantmissliss.bsky.social

Call me crazy, but McDonald’s should offer to upgrade your fries to a pack of Marlboro 100s for $1.50.

[intercom]
Attention, Kmart shoppers. Todd acts like he's the boss of me but he's not. We're both assistant manag- *scuffling sounds overtake the air*

“Jedi” is plural.
The singular form is Jedopus.

“The Black and Tan Coonhound looks like a dog that works the night shift.”
- @cantmissliss.bsky.social

Greece: Behold the Colossus of Rhodes!

Egypt: I give you the Great Pyramid of Khufu!

England: lol Big Ben.

Today we observe the anniversary of the historic battle wherein Jason reclaimed Manhattan from the Muppets.

It’s true. Weirdly, all the cooks are Slytherin.

Sad to report that the sorting hat has once again assigned me to Waffle House.

“Goodnight,” I yawn as I extend my arms in an exaggerated, cathartic stretch.

I walk into the bathroom and close the door. You think nothing of it, assuming only that I’ve gone in to pee. But suddenly you see the light go out through the space under the door. I don’t come out. Your mind is racing.

Saving Private Ryan: The story of a veteran and former teacher (Tom Hanks) enduring the horrors of WWII to rescue an only remaining son.

Saving Ryan’s Privates: A buddy comedy starring Rowan Atkinson and Jim Varney, in which the former tries to prevent his best friend’s vasectomy. Also set in WWII.