Auteur horror director: heh, we decided against naming them "zombies" because there's a lot of nuance to how the infected act, they're not just brain eaters, we have a vision here,

Regular horror director: I called your mom a vampire cuz she suck me good and hard thru my jorts

I kind of want to read public domain short stories out loud on tiktok

Dating app: what's something interesting about yourself?
"I never really learned to read"

Somebody talk me down from crashing out on these kids at Panda Express for getting my order wrong

those of us who were born in 1982 grew up in a unique time and have had some really interesting life experiences, but what really makes me laugh is when people born before or after 1982 claim that they’ve also had life experiences. get serious. no you haven’t

i can’t wait until elon musk and donald trump start fighting lol

Tumblr post that reads: My step-dad drunkenly swaggers into the living room. "Piper" he says, slurring his speech "you better clean your room this instant or your grounded." I clench my colored pencil hard. "What did you ... Say to me.." I say, taking out my earbuds. Breaking Benjamin's hit single I Hate (Everything About You) is blaring through them. "I said-" my step-dad stops speaking. Shadow the Hedgehog slinks around the hallway corner. "Is this chump bothering you babe?" Shadow says while cracking his knuckles. He proceeds to do the least sexual things I've ever seen him do to another man. "I-Im sorry Piper, I'll clean your room instead." My step-dad whimpers. Shadow then proceeds to comment on how epic my boobs look today. "Your boobs look epic today babe" he says to me.

Laura Loomer @ing the new Pope with "WOKE MARXIST POPE."

Singing this to the tune of Neutral Milk Hotel's "Two Headed Boy"

Asexual partner in the nonbinary polycule named Dishes

To everyone expatriating from America; please do me one big solid before you go. Find some old white guy wearing one of those “if this flag offends you, I’ll help you pack” shirts and demand he make good on his offer.
Thank you.

They did wrath on a grapes???

I've noticed that this guy makes non sequiturs like, "if I can live off Papa John's for a week, people can figure out how to survive without food stamps..."

My 100th birthday... in prison? - This is abuse.

Don't tell me that the billionaires running the country don't have my interests at heart. You don't know my interests. What if my interests are to eat shit and die

Let's take a moment to memorialize the Grape who sacrificed their body for science

what if god said bite this onions

It’s not over (pain and suffering) but also it’s not over (will to live, hope, and perseverance)

Ya my x feed is diseased, idk why, it's probably my fault, but not the case here

How it’s felt on butterfly app until today.

Glad to see some peeps on here

Yes exactly

Using AI to translate all my outgoing texts and emails into middle English henceforth

The old parable about the fingerboarder making his own tiny ramps because he's good with his hands

Also wondering this

Boy Genius Reunite Under New Moniker
'Young Sheldon'

Call it 'Say Less'

Really?? I never touched tumblr

Is wearing thrifted old cycling and running race shirts stolen valor

Idea: an app where you can edit other people's posts