Professional Church Mouse

When the post office loses your cat's ashes you should be allowed to commit one (1) federal crime

I am terrible at keeping my bluesy updated, but this happened!

Being a good person in Chicago is really easy: just find out what Alderman Raymond Lopez is doing, and then do the exact opposite of that.

I fear no one will get this the way my PMDD girlies will get this, but it's actually so nice to be a couple of days into your period and finally feel like a human being again

Recovering from a depressive episode is so fucking annoying, what the fuck do you mean I have to do the dishes in the bathtub because there's not enough room in the sink

Just found out that my estranged mother, who once burned 14-year-old me's binders in the backyard, now goes to Pride in one of those "Free Mom Hugs" shirts

AWP 2027 IS IN MY CITY, SUICIDE CANCELLED

Area Linguistics Nerd Cancelled for Homophonic Standup Routine

"I think we're going to have to stab this guy in the eye with a foreign object, Steven."
"Damn."

There comes a point in your life where you're sitting at your desk and you think "paperclips are cool, I like paperclips," and then you look down and realize you have become Bert Sesame Street

Being in your twenties and working in a church is like being a professional black sheep granddaughter

HAND POLLINATION WAS SUCCESSFUL, FIRST BABY SQUASH

My grandad just sent me a photo of a bunch of CDs he does not remember obtaining; does anyone have any clue what "Starlight & Ginger Ale" is? My search results have come up curiously empty.

Criterion Channel class-action lawsuit? Ooh baby I've got a check for a Culver's dinner headed my way.

Just made twelve loaves of zucchini bread from one oversized zuke and now my primary dilemmas are: 1) what am I going to do with all this bread, and 2) what do I do with the second zucchini?

Been having these weird depressive/paranoid spells for the past day or so and anxiety attacks about nothing that I just kind of attributed to the asthma
Was watching TV just now and my whole left eye turned to TV static. Good news, it's just a migraine attack!

Love is weird sometimes. Got me over here perusing the farmer's market like, "I love you so much; to show this, I am going to spend the rest of our lives keeping your fridge stocked with fancy jellies and butters."

Me, unable to thermoregulate, attempting to go outside in Chicago while the heat index is 104°F: augh the air hurts.
Me, asthmatic, attempting to go outside two days later while the air quality index is 134: augh the air hurts.

How it feels to tell several very funny Elvis jokes without anyone laughing:

I was taking a shit when the power in my apartment just went out for a full ten seconds, and all I could think was, "please, God. Not like Elvis."

I have a Twitter, a Bluesky, and a Threads now because unfortunately for me I love gossip and my older brother makes FASCINATING posts about his thought process that have me wondering if I even really know him

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson rumors, Coldplay affair scandal, Buckingham Nicks teasing a reunion, breakup season for the girls from my hometown-- big week for the men who will never get away from the sound of the women who loved them.

Just found out that Harry Dean Stanton was the singing voice for Brave Heart Lion in the Care Bears Movie Soundtrack, which finally solved a years-long crisis of mine after hearing him speak in Twin Peaks and going, "where the fuck do I know this guy from?"

Had to order some new work blouses bc my favorites finally gave up the ghost, and I really just want to know why these deep-v notch necklines are all rage in fat women's fashion rn? I don't have the tits to accommodate this and it just leads to nipple-shaped tan lines at the neck

Update on my porch garden: baby squash's first curl!

i identify as whatever gender marcie thinks peppermint patty is

Oh, your protest didn't get the numbers you were hoping for? It's because you're shadowbanned?

You know there were protests before the internet, right? You know there are other ways to get the word out? It's important to me that you know resistance does not live on TikTok.

@montereybayaquarium.org
where did the moon jelly cam go? That's been part of my Sunday morning tradition with my beloved for years now, and I was heartbroken to see it missing this morning.

Stabbed in the gut and forced to kneel at a porcelain throne

All at the whim of an Oscar Mayer cheese dog

On this Glorious 25th of May, I ask for very little.

All I want is for my home to give me back those things which it once claimed to guarantee: Truth. Justice. Freedom. Reasonably-Priced Love. And a Hard-Boiled Egg.

GNU Terry Prachett. Thank God you didn't have to see any of this.