ren 💫

thank the gods i never got a reply back. here’s to hoping she deleted my number.

hullo

"Lock in"? bitch I'm locked out. I made too many attempts and now I can't access my brain for 24 hours.

Hot take but I think it's ok for people to seek validation online. It's ok for people to take selfies. It's ok for people to talk about fears. It's ok for people to share their achievements. People aren't attention seeking, they are being vulnerable and self loving. We need self love & community.

tell me why my abusive ex’s mother called me mid therapy session.
i then texted my therapist as soon as i got out of our session when i saw the missed call, because i was super triggered.
this is the 2nd time this has happened. texted & told her to please delete my number. it’s been 8 years ma’am.

so i restarted my SSRI about a month ago and my anxiety is definitely better, i just wish i could get to where i want to be, and i’m frustrated that i’m not there yet.

being chronically ill + having mental health issues on top of everything is an entirely different level of exhaustion.

my anxiety the last 6 months has been getting worse and worse. and honestly i don’t even know what the catalyst was. i think it was the sudden, traumatic passing of my dog coupled with wedding stress, tripled with my autoimmune issues quadrupled with no longer being able to ride my horse/exercise.

me: laying down, trying to get comfortable for a nap
thyroid nodule: hey what if i just pressed up against your trachea and made it so hard for you to get comfy?
me: please don’t
thyroid nodule: hehe too bad

views from last week

hanging with my mom because she’s recovering from surgery. we’re watching history documentaries together about the bermuda triangle 🤣

end rant, sorry to get dark on main but like. what the fuck why did this happen to me.

it’s been nearly 10 years since this happened to me, and it lasted for a year and a half, almost every day, multiple times per day.
so yeah. i don’t know how the hell i’m alive. i’m lucky and grateful to be. and big fucking part of me mourns for those who went through what i did and aren’t here.

and it’s not like i’ve never talked about this particular thing before. if anything, i talk about it almost every single session i have. but i know how dangerous it is, even if there’s no immediate effects in the moment. i know days, weeks, or months later, something can happen.

i was in therapy earlier today and i was just talking about my trauma like every other session, and i had this painful realization after talking about a very specific thing and i was like “holy shit. i don’t know how i’m still alive.” and it was because of the 750% more-likely statistic.

today is one of those days where everything feels incredibly fake and time is an illusion and the day flew by even though you didn’t do anything at all and suddenly it’s 3:30pm and you haven’t even had breakfast yet.

“why yes, i would be very interested in this donut. thank you so much.” —Firefly

wondering if i should go see my horse today. highly considering it, even thought i’m not feeling 100% (barely 50%, but oh well).
i know seeing her will make me feel better. maybe i’ll bring my camera, too. editing is always enjoyable 🤔

hi hi 👋
my name is Ren. i’m a photographer, equestrian, lover of anime, video games, and history.

i’m chronically ill and disabled. i have hashimoto’s, dysautonomia, cptsd, anxiety, and am hyper-mobile. i use a mobility aid.

i’ll be posting my journey with chronic illnesses & disability here!

thank you, i appreciate it 🖤

One day you're based, the next day you're cringe, that's life

all of my really important doctors appointments and procedures are on hold until the new insurance kicks in because i am not risking having a biopsy done and having medicaid say “well, it wasn’t REALLY out of medical necessity so that’ll be $1k+ OOP.”
like i cannot afford that.

can’t tell if i’m sick (again) or just flaring from being on my feet for hours on saturday. either way, i feel like trash again, and i can’t do anything about it until my insurance kicks in.
i’m scared to do anything with medicaid right now, especially with what just happened with the bill.

forgot to update! i did, in fact, see my creature the other day!! i missed her so so much 🥹
(silly goofy pics, because that’s just Firefly).

okay. today i have therapy for the first time in 2.5 weeks because Life decided to become a living hell and i wasn’t able to do anything but travel between my mom, grandpa, and my own doctors appointments. i’m anxious to go back, but i’m going to see my horse when i’m done. so it’ll be okay.

and i fell asleep so this didn’t happen 😔
i’m so over being sick

i am so so tired. gonna try to visit my horse today. i think it’ll make me feel better.

me? farming for phainon until maintenance kicks me out of the game?
absolutely yes.
gimme gimme 🙌

some cute creatures 🫶🐶

.5 snoot boopin’

chronic illnesses and chronic pain are really horrific. i honestly can’t believe that 4 years ago around this time i got sick. my life hasn’t been the same since.

i grieve for what my life was like before all of this. i would do anything to get that back.