Juliana Gray

Can’t decide what to buy on Prime Day?

Try: absolutely nothing, and then go support indie bookstores instead 📚

With so much wrong about this 'Ed Gein is bringing sexy back!' take, I'm still going to focus on the historical detail that he couldn't possibly have owned a chainsaw.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Shame about the cookie sheet, though. 😁

Present Tense by Todd Dillard My father’s telling me about his dog, how it fell into a well when they were walking down a wooded path. His dog ran across some rotted planks, the planks splintered, “And whoosh!” my father says. “No more dog.” I look at the clock and remind my father it’s three A.M. “I’m not finished,” he says. He tells me about the rope he bought, the bucket, how he knotted the rope to the bucket, lowered it down, and yelled for the dog to get in. “But all I pulled up was more barking.” “Dad,” I say. “This never happened.” He says he can’t remember how long he tried to get the dog to shimmy into the bucket. Just that at some point when the sky turned tawny—“Dad—“ as a pitcher of sweet tea—“Dad—“ he decided to give up. “Dad,” I say. “It’s late. I’m tired. And you’re dead.” “Dammit, son,” my father says. “Let me finish!” My father tells me about filling the bucket with dirt and pouring the dirt into the well. And I know what he’s getting at, I know he’s going to tell me bucket by bucket he filled the well and the dog jumped out. He’s going to say something about how the dog led him home through the dark. I know this so loudly I don’t hear, at first, my father’s silence. “Dad?” I say. “Dad, are you there?” I keep lowering the bucket but all I ever pull up are leaves. Red leaves. Lately, some gold.

my issue of Threepenny is here! here’s my poem “Present Tense,” I would love for you to give it a read!

“I know this so loudly I don’t
hear, at first, my father’s silence.”

Not only did I write this, but I also escaped that cursed washing machine in the 5th-floor Roman walkup.

Get more from McSweeney's Internet Tendency on Patreon Creating daily humor almost every day

So we hate doing stuff like this, but as social media platforms continue to throttle indie publishers like us, we rely now more than ever on our readers. If you can spare $3 or $5 or whatever a month, it would go a long way to help us keep on keeping on. buff.ly/E4eljl9

The essay’s hilarious title is “Shut Up, Memory.”

And the award for best afterword title goes to @lauralippman.bsky.social

A photo of a display of chilled wine labeled “MEATLESS”

“But isn’t it hard to be vegan? What do you eat?”

Nick Saban could do the funniest thing right now.

Ohio police find raccoon holding meth pipe during traffic stop When an officer took the pipe away, the raccoon pulled out another.

Do you think he washed his meth first with his little hands? www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news...

A Chicago Pope implies the existence of an MLA Pope and APA Pope

He is risen. 🙏

Getting Ahead of It: JD Vance Almost Definitely Didn’t Kill the Pope Let’s make one thing very clear: So far, there is almost no proof that JD Vance is directly responsible for the death of Pope Francis. All we know ...

"There is almost no proof that Vance is responsible for the death of Pope Francis. All we know is that the vice president met with the pope, and a few hours later, the pope was dead. To draw a line between those two facts would almost definitely be a little bit premature."

This poem will tear your heart out.

It’s a terrific poem.

Really feeling this poem by @peninsulapoet.bsky.social posted on @versedaily.bsky.social today.

NYTimes games are really fucking with us today.

There will be a guy with BAGPIPES

The fact that there might be a conclave so close to a movie about one has really motivated me to finish my screenplay "The Tech CEO Who Died of Diarrhea So Explosive The Coroner Said He Had No Lower Back to Speak Of"

George Costanza on couch covered in chips

Me, judging everyone’s red carpet looks tonight

Four pangrams? In this economy?

Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem

JK Rowling naming an Italian

Someone please bring McConaughey inside before he drowns like a chicken.

Last week at my hair salon, the woman in the next chair was reading and chuckling. I asked what she was reading and she showed me the cover of Villa Incognito.

Me: how do I do my taxes

Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance

An artificial ficus with, for some reason, sunflowers

No smoking sign partially concealed by fake plant

Pipes and broken ceiling tiles partially concealed by fake plant

Our custodian’s attempt to make the building seem more cheerful just make it even sadder.

I’m grateful to Sheila-Na-Gig Online for including three of my poems in their winter issue. One is below; the others you can find at sheilanagigblog.com/poetry-archi...

It's my birthday! If you'd like to give me a lil present, please share the word about the Ossabaw Writers' Retreat, where writers take workshops, see alligators, pet donkeys, and share their work. Scholarships available! www.ossabawwritersretreat.org?gad_source=1...