Bob Ingersoll

Dick Van Dyke’s performance in “Mary Poppins” has been criticized for his act-cent.

The doctor decided to cut down the expenses of his kid’s birthday party and prepared all the decorations himself. He followed that old advice, “Physician, helium thyself.”

When it comes to the skills needed for texting, I’m all fingers.

The chef from Mumbai wanted his customers to be happy, so he added extra spice to their meal. He curried their flavor.

Elmer gave his money to a conman who promised to give him riches. But all Elmer got was a worm and a hickory branch. It was the old bait and switch.

I wouldn’t say the Pope was bloviating, but he was pontiff-icating.

When their mother called them; Bill, Dawn, Ernie, Anne, and Charlie lined up for dinner. They had an eating disorder.

The werewolf was able to bend steel in his bare hands. He was turned under a super moon.

Victor Frankenstein introduced his creation to his fiancée as just a bunch of guys from work.

The slasher repented his sins and wanted to apologize for all of his Halloween murders. So he changed his name to Michael My Errs.

When Ms. Hill went bungee jumping she trusted her handlers to fasten the cord properly. It was a leap of Faith.

When Nestlé came up with an advertising slogan for its chocolate powder, it was part of a “Get rich Quik” scheme.

When Kaa the snake was going to punish his son for leaving his old discarded skins lying around, Kaa took his son out to the you’ll shed.

Paul mastered all the complicated steps needed for his featured dance at the Lumberjack’s Ball using logger rhythms.

I don’t want to say that the restaurant had small portions, but they served me a miniskirt steak.

The jewelry community was very excited by a once-in-a-lifetime discovery black and white agate. It was a case of history onyx.

The Spanish chef bribed the critic to get good reviews. It was the old paella scandal.

Hard times had hit the Land of Oz. Except in Munchkin County, where things were looking up.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t eat free range chicken. My range cost me lots of money.

The Franciscans sent one of their order and some frozen French fries up in a balloon. They were trying out their air friar.

There were actually three Last Suppers. It was so that Peter could Denny’s Christ three times before the morning.

During Prohibition, the Prohibition agents in San Francisco set up their headquarters in the city’s Bar-bar-y Coast section.

The maiden found that settling for the shield bearer instead of the knight was an a-squired taste.

Donald Duck isn’t ill-tempered, he’s mallard-justed.

Joe’s psychiatrist just raised his rates. It’s classic shrink flation.

Yesterday was my birthday. But at my age I don’t want presents so much as I want presence.

I threw my golf clubs into the rear of the car, then started getting hastled by the back seat driver.

The whale got the idea to elevate its calf on a water jet from his blowhole. That way the calf was higher up and had a view to a krill.

Early in his career Barry Manilow wrote or performed songs for Pepsi and Dr. Pepper. It’s what gave him his interest in pop music.

Charlie didn’t like synthetic fabrics. He was always saying, “Rayon, rayon go away.”