I always hate it when people ask you dumb things like "So, what do you have going on this weekend?"
I don't remember being contractually obligated to being a functioning member of society at any given time frame, Linda!

My ADHD brain at 10pm: I'm so tired. Just hold out for a couple more hours till I can crash out.

My ADHD brain at 12am: I should watch this video on how to rebuild my car's engine.

Don't search for happiness.
Build your peace.

Republicans will worship anyone who will lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead. Even when they are the ones being cheated. To them, this is the American dream.

We've all agreed to stop calling them "thongs", correct?

Why does Dragula slap so hard and why haven't we come up with anything to surpass it?

I just realized something. I'm using paper towels to clean up the water I spilled all over. I realize the paper towels cost money and I'm using them so I don't have to spend more money fixing floor boards or deal with mold. Home ownership is just paying money to not pay a shit load of money.

For me, life has been a 43 year long lesson on how to be alone.

Indiana Jones knows a thing or two about Nazis.

The thing I love so much about naps is, that I'm so comfortable, I slip into unconsciousness.

I must come off as an incompetent man, because, people always seem to think I don't know what I'm doing.

I'd like those people to know that they're wrong half the time.

My tiredness is full on my right side. I must move to the left now.

I just had a nightmare that I was 18 and was kidnapped from school by US military to be drafted into an army that swears loyalty to Trump, and not the constitution.

Will we need heaven and hell after we nuke ourselves into extinction?

It must be the most annoying when the astronaut is criticized by the astronomer.

I think, therefore I am. And, this is when all the trouble started.

I look forward to the day I get to share my tattoos with all the others at the old folks home.

Batman, actually doing detective work?

Don't make me fall in love with her again.

I was singing this last week in LA to myself.

My dad used to say "If you're going to be stupid, you better be tough."
I test out how tough I am often.

This post was supposed to be funny. But it turned into an 'old man' life lesson.

I always had to do things my own way. Those ways were wrong most of the time, but then they became learning opportunities. I probably could have saved a lot of time doing it "how it's supposed to be done." But, in the process, I've also learned how to solve those problems I created.

I feel blacked-out tattoos are an obvious sign you have regrets.

Morbid is the only humor I have left.

When you get out of the shower, put your towel behind you, about to wrap yourself up in it, do you go full-eagle and say the line "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard!" Or, is that just me?

Tucking the junk is optional.

Hey @markhamillofficial.bsky.social
Let me be the first to wish you and I, a happy birthday.

#HappyBirthdayMarkHamill

So, you've never said "Needs more salt."?

Has that Pee-wee Herman drip.

Pokémon cards are just nostalgia NFTs.
There, I said it. Fight me.