Dan Drier

Here hung that bark I kissed I know not how oft.

Actual song title my wife and I came up with this morning:

Cripple Parked Like A Jack-Hole (Now My Baby’s Cryin’)

Estonia was the true winner today. #eurovision #suckitaustria.

I’m stuck on a new joke. The setup has to do with a professional escort, wearing a skort, driving a Ford Escort. The punchline has to do with your mom being too large to fit into a compact car, or off-the-rack clothing. It’s all the middle stuff that has me stumped.

@maddow.msnbc.com Are we going to celebrate Liberation Day annually going forward, or was that more of a one-time thing? I ask because I feel like we should buy our decorations now.

My wife just said dogs don’t do well on jungle gyms.

I agree.

They don’t.

You’ve got your apostrophe in the wrong place.

Dick.

Actual thing circumstance caused me to say just now:

‘A good boy would not have a gravely wiener.’

Good night.

#IllusoryConfidence
#SuckItDoug

This is how Star Wars started. It began with a trade war purposely started by Palpatine. It allowed him to obtain emergency powers and declare himself emperor. Let’s not do that. Let’s skip the Clone Wars entirely and go straight to forming the Rebel Alliance. #April19 #ANewHope #GetMeADamnX-Wing

Today is the day. Hell, no, we won’t go. Bread and roses. Zimmerman knew and Tyler flew. #Turk182

I’ve actually been through something similar. The first thing we need to do is take his shoelaces away.

#LiberationDay #CooCooBonkers

Hegseth had a bold vision
For updating folks on his missions.
He’d forego procedure
With fun iPhone features.
Shame there’s no emoji for prison.

#whiskeyleaks #currenteventlimmericks

This Easter season, spare a thought to the lesser-known Little Bunny Foo-Foo, who kept the field free of conscious mice, and was summarily turned into a goon—without due process—by an authoritarian “good” fairy who didn’t know how to mind her own business.

I’ve given up on regaining all six of my abs. Two should be enough. One on each side, that is. Two stacked on one side might look weird.

You know what else is great for helping to maintain a positive mindset?
Alcohol.

Just wait until you get to the part about the tweedle beetle bottle paddle battle. I’ve always suspected someone is betting on those beetles. It’s a dark world.

It’s Free Cone Day at Dairy Queen. With a false moustache and a Swedish accent, you could probably score yourself two free cones. I speak from experience. Pass it on.

If I were planning to--hypothetically--dip a Q-Tip in French's Yellow Mustard and insert it one and three-quarters inches into a hypothetical sleeping person's left nostril (the large one), would that create any potential legal exposure on my part?

I've heard if you spend time in the same room as a coconut, you'll eventually feel like you're in the tropics. I can't guarantee it will work, but at least your day won't have been wasted.

Kit Kat Bunnies are a superfood. Anyone who doubts me is a traitor to their country.

Historical records suggest that’s Natty Gann. That’s one helluva journey.

Decimation

Hot Water Heaters

Fruits vs. Vegetables

Insomnia's Villanelle

Having CPTSD is like the opening scene of The Entity; you’re fast asleep, minding your own business, when a ghost sneaks into the room and slaps the bejeezus out of you.

What does a guy do when he wants his presents but his kids won’t wake up?