Mitch

no sob too small, no criticism too constructive

it’s cringe when people peak in high school or in college. I aim to never peak. it’s all mid-hill from here

🥊 “alright, gentlemen - I want a good, clean piss. nothing above the belt.” 🚽

I’m a simple man: I see a cat picture on social media, I like it

Wolf Blitzer at the DC Open tennis tournament

wolf blitzer spotted at the dc open tennis tournament, I hope no breaking news happens to ruin his night this time

daily affirmations: I will not poop my pants in the workplace

a drag king named Bill Gapes

my closest thing to a brush with fame was when I made a tiktok in 2021 about being horny for grey sweatpants dick prints and it got 40k views but only 120 likes

iOS screen time summary but it’s called scream time and it’s actually a breakdown of all the times you crashed out this year

the existence of square dancing and line dancing implies that we have yet to discover point dancing

I wish there were a better word for caffeinated than buzzed

why does inebriated get drunk? it’s so short and to the point

ACAB includes spelling bee moderators

if I were in King Arthur’s court I’d be surmountable

does morale hang low? does it wobble to and fro? can you tie it in a knot? can you tie it in a bow?

she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cardamom

ornithology? do you mean gander studies?

showing off my stanley tucci at the beach today

if someone emailed me and said “congratulations” with a period and not an exclamation point, I’d crash out

finance job titles are so fake, what do you mean you’re the “director of credit cards” at chase bank?

maybe people opposed to modern “stan culture” actually just really hate the practices of the communities of uzbekistan, tajikistan, etc

if you de-walkie-talkie-ify men’s underwear, it’s just tight-white

intrusive thoughts in dc are wild bc why am I afraid my uber will take a wrong turn and we end up driving in the trump parade

I do not respect management consultants

🎶 grandpa shart doo doo doo doo 💩 🦈

I hate pride why am I at a party getting asked “how did I engage with lesbianism in my childhood” by some person I just met

guy obsessed with ethical gooning

remember when you could have a signature attached to your text messages. whose idea was that anyway

yes I bought one, that’s not the point

spending $50 on a poppers scented candle, that’s what pride is all about

when you like a meme dump online, what’s the etiquette? do you only like the post if you agree with every single meme or can you like it if only a few really speak to you?