TouchOfAlchemy

Pretending to be normal is fucking exhausting

Well shit

I stepped away for a few months because my mom died, and then the world freaking imploded

Guess it's a good thing I only had one mom

He looks so happy!!!❤️

Tornado season in the midwest means sleeping naked is extra risky

Did you know there’s a prize at the end of a tube of Chapstick?

I'm full of nachos and social awkwardness

To be clear: a tariff is a tax.

Why is it that I would consider smothering a snoring human, but a cat snoring is pretty adorable?

4AM and wide awake

There will be no springing in my "springing ahead" today

I see the orange shitgibbon is entering his Saruman phase

Not that the illiterate mango would know, but the Ents really hated him tearing up the trees

Before my modeling career really took off, I was huge in orthopedic shoe catalogs.

Can’t wait till I’m rich enough to put a weird and unnecessary staircase in my house

I may be a last desperate option, but I'm YOUR last desperate option.

I may be an asshole but at least I’m not bleached.

Livin' la vida lub dub.

Don't be angry with me because I spoke the truth. Be angry with me because I'm an asshole.

I cut myself on the plastic lid of the fruit salad container. That's it, no more healthy eating.

If you don't believe in reproductive rights for women you shouldn't have sex with women.

Building up a banned book library

Sometimes they're books I've not read, sometimes just newer printings without my old school notes scribbled in the margins

A few books each pay period

Slowly filling space on my shelves

😂 Indeed

One guess why these ended up in the kitchen drawer 🙄

Silver lining:

Europe became a Union yesterday.
🇪🇺

On my long list of life's bullshit that irritates me is being allergic to certain kinds of booze

Why couldn't I be allergic to goats instead of Heineken and Magners...and champagne...malbec...chardonnay....

2 hour long manager training on being present for folks and actively listening

And I'm distracted on social media

Right On...

I just want to be important enough to say “Leave us” to a roomful of people and empty the room

"I found them. The Frosted Mega Wheats." (Picture of rounds hay bales with snow on their tops)

🥣
#justforlaughs #funny #meme

Y’all are invited.