Garden nativity scene with figures of Mary and Joseph kneeling on either side of a red-painted basket - in which sits a large tabby cat.

O come let us adore him

Cerberus loved nothing more than chasing styx.

Farage, “yeah, I was racist, but so was everyone.”

Ummm, actually, no.

He’s eating uncrustables with god now buddy

the only problem with having a bird feeder is you will eventually attract a bird with a sinister aura that the other birds start to worship

They say you shouldn’t mix drink and work and that’s cool, I’ve made my choice.

Piles don’t care

Live streaming my evil activities because the present evil regime will no doubt last forever.

KFC - Every time a customer kicks the bucket an angel gets their wings.

Uh oh! Think it’s catching.

Visions of sugarplums dancing in your head can be downloaded from the App Store for only $9.99 this holiday season!

I hate when I see a tattered Jolly Roger through my spyglass. Pirates should mend their flags in accordance with nautical flag etiquette

Instead of counting sheep I like to imagine squirrels piloting rickety homemade zeppelins over a river of piping-hot béchamel sauce. This doesn't help me get to sleep, in fact it leaves me feeling confused and visibly agitated

White people be like if I were keys where would I be

To hunt key you must first think like key.

Black market reality codec rendering the air as shimmering sine waves, the skyline overflowing with the mountains of Pangea, God's face in every mirror, his teeth like blacklights, dark rainbows pouring from his mouth

You know the bank doesn’t accept squirrels as currency, that’s why they have those screen things.

there is no I in team but there is a squirrel in my bathtub

I DREAM OF A CLEANSING WAVE

You have always prayed to the god of time travel, presumably as payment for a favor you have yet to ask

That one Christmas where your uncle, drunk on eggnog, made reference to the thing under the shed, and everyone went silent

I ordered thirty batteries and got forty. I think I’ve been overcharged.

Don’t shop at big retailers this year, give these gifts instead!

- mysterious bowl of moss
- inscrutable jar of fog
- weird old log
- large boulder the size of a small boulder
- scarf infused with goblin wild magic

Hey it’s Megyn Kelly’s natural right to want to see bombed boat survivors with blood coming out of their whatever

Advent calendar that releases a bunch of spores each day until finally on Christmas Eve you take on the form of The Great Christmas Fungus

Watching from abroad, open mouthed. “Surely, the wheels have to come off soon? Surely?”

Your weather for today:
- possible showers
- possible sunbreaks
- everything is possible in an infinite multiverse
- there's another you out there who is piloting a solar space blimp through the cosmos, smuggling bootleg gin & forbidden books
- wear layers

Must have rained. Streets are wet. A leg lamp illuminates a second storey window. Out in the bay a squid attacks a pirate ship. But the night clutches its secrets. This is Roku City.

time is how you free yourself

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

me: [picturing a bleak post-apocalyptic landscape in which i compete with my neighbors for scraps of food] management