Danica “Dani” Williams

-c- know.

…and for being overwhelmed? It’s just just powers. I mean, they don’t help. But just life in general…

…life and people just sort of…suck sometimes. Powers or no powers.”

“People tend to judge me already even before they know I hear voices. Especially in this era.”

she suddenly pulls her hood over her head

“At least judge me for things that make me weird. Or my actual negative traits. Like being late and a little sloppy. But not on…uh…ahem. You -c-

-c- help much with the voices. But they help with all the other…unfortunate issues that come with being a speedster…

…balance. Between self love, self care, and self improvement.”

she nods

“I…suppose. The hard part is separating the judging assholes and the people who genuinely care. Either way, we never stop working on ourselves.”

she looks up at the ceiling

“Like my mental health exercises that help me slow down. Or looking after a pet turtle. Granted, it doesn’t -c-

“……you still have one of those? How many times did you end up breaking it?”

she smirked

“God, I remember you broke it once and you in order to teach you to be more careful, Superman didn’t get you a replacement right away.

I mean……It was a different look for you. You made it work.”

-c- like they’re real. I know they got to be real. But…I can still hear the echos of concern. The looks people give each other when I’m talking to myself. I pretend not to see them but I see them.”

-c- Like…my dad made my suit. Taught me how to maintain it.

And then I learn a lot of the Flashes here make their suits with pure Speed Force energy. I asked them how, and they claim I got to learn it myself. Or act like they don’t know what I’m talking about…

…my point is, on some days I feel -c-

“Of course they told me stories. But…a lot of Flash history is public knowledge. Not so much them behind the mask, I guess.

Granted the Speed Force is…strange. And as far as I know? I’m the only one who’s been able to communicate with ghosts.

…I mean, it makes sense and doesn’t, you know? -c-

-c- close, you know? It’s one of the reasons we do what we do. Or at the least a major driving force.”

“…I…know it’s not as big as your thing. But it’s haunted me my entire life. They guided me since as long as I can remember. They’ve been my family. Heck, besides you, they’re my only connection to our future. And…I guess it feels lonely somehow.

…family…is so important. We need to keep them -c-

-c- they told her to hurt people. And she had a lot more voices.

…it still haunts me. Maybe I’m actually fucked up and have just been pretending to be okay this whole time…

…I haven’t told anyone that before.”

“Mine? Nothing compared to yours…

But…sometimes I ask myself…am I crazy? Because I see the voices in my head…the alive versions. And they seem so…different. They told me people change but……

……a couple of years ago, I…met an evil version of myself. She heard voices too. And she claimed -c-

-c- some folks think I’m still crazy. And it…hurts when they think that. Hurts when family used to think that…

…you talk to your dad lately or is it still a little…strange? Not that seeing a younger version of your dad…alive isn’t already strange.”

“Parents somehow always know. Or at least moms know.

My dad? He was kind of…well, he had his head in the clouds. Or at least into his studies…

Not that he wasn’t concerned. It’s just mom saw things he didn’t.

Regardless they did think I was crazy when I talked to ‘imaginary friends’. And…I -c-

“…I can only say that we ironically mask those feelings from others. Maybe…being more open about it all will help. Learning that we aren’t alone in the struggle.”

she looks down

“I…guess that’s something I never considered. I’ve always had three guys to talk to. Not everyone has that luxury.”

“……Sort of feel like anybody in our line of work is…a little messed up. Or a lot messed up. I mean…guess it comes with the job.

…I guess there is comfort that we aren’t alone in all of this.”

“…There…is no easy answer to any of this? Is there? But…there has to be an answer…

……maybe no matter what, there’s supposed to be pain. The road is supposed to be messy and bumpy. I…don’t know.”

“…I’m the one who should be sorry. I was so focused on trying to help, that I didn’t know I was hurting you. And even when I try to find out other ways to help, I just end up hurting you more. I…don’t know what to do or say, Joel…”

-c-

Tears fell down her Danica’s face. She quickly wiped them away, clearing her throat

“……I…just don’t know what to say. It feels like no matter what I say, it won’t help you. It won’t…reach you.”

“……that’s not…

…Joel. The way you were? I loved that part of you. The way you teased people. The way you were unafraid to be who you wanted to be. The way you…”

she forced a small smile on her face

“…showed your love. You’d drop everything to help someone when they needed it. I loved that…”-c-

-c- seemed every time we tried to help, you pulled away.

I…god, I wish I had the answer. I wish I knew the easy and fast way to make that darkness go away.”

-c- doing to yourself. The…drinking and the drugs may not have been the problem but it was a symptom of a bigger issue. There were nights you just…destroyed yourself. And you…never physically hurt anyone. But you did hurt us.

All we ever wanted to do is help. But it -c-

she took a step back from him, her eyes wide. She seemed unsettled, a look of both fear and a hint of anger starting to bubble over

“I…don’t know either Joel…we tried to help. We were concerned. I…we just wanted…”

Dani’s voice was shaking, her fists clenching.

“…We all saw what you were -c-

-c- arms around herself, squeezing tightly as she looked away

“From your perspective, what’s the problem? Not what you think others think. What /you/ think.”

“…I think you’re misunderstanding me, Joel.

Like I said, I can’t force you to change. Or even point you in the right direction of what to do next to face the problem. What I’m saying is…whatever step you take, it doesn’t have to be a fast process.”

she looked away from him, wrapping her -c-

-c- what…and I know the irony of me saying this…

…it’s not a race. One foot in front of the other. Metaphorically.”

she leaned on the wall opposite of him

“Well, back then, you didn’t take kindly to all our suggestions. Granted, we were younger. More emotional. And you may not have been sober that day…and I was pretty pissed so I think anything I said just came off as passive aggressive.

…I guess…no matter -c-

she laughed

“Well. You also have really good eyesight. Good genetics does that…

But…not to go back to that night. But what are the steps now? I…don’t want to see you fall deeper into that hole. But I can’t…force you to change. So…what now?”

she pulls away from the hug and nods

“You know. I saw a cartoon once. Got recommended it from a friend. There’s a quote. When you look at someone or something with rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags…

…guess that’s what happens. But…beyond that? What do we do?”

“……I should be asking you the same thing. But you already told me the answer. I’m just…mad I couldn’t see it. Or maybe I didn’t want to see it.”