Matt Returns

As someone who also works in IT, this is DEFINITELY how society will collapse. Some under qualified, over certs nepo baby is going to “full send” a rollout of some half-baked AI Code that nukes the entire societal infrastructure on a Friday evening at 4:59pm. Roll-back strategy? Never heard of it.

Another thought for the void: Even as a straight dude, the fact that Viagra carries severe contraindications with both Ecstasy AND poppers definitely feels like a hate crime.

I hate that I keep going back to the meta well to slake my addiction

And one day, years later, that child will come and try to find me. And just in that seeking I will live forever, championed against the crushing behemoth of progress and conformity. He will take a walk, and see the stars, and see life in that moment.

And my small rebellion will have triumphed.

Maybe others will join me and mine. Maybe one day along the road, a small child will see us, blazing along a twisted road, leaves in my beard and fire in my eyes. And then just maybe, then will remember it and tell their friend of the crazy wild man they spotted, family in tow, howling at the moon.

Their victory will be as hollow and dry as they are. They will find no joy, or passion, or love in their kill, as I have already spent it all. And then maybe, just maybe…

And once they wrestle me to the ground and end my joyous journey, and they almost certainly will, it will have been far too late! I have already won! They cannot make me unsee the beauty I’ve seen, as they cannot unswim my rivers, or unride my trails. They cannot unhug my children, or unwoo my wife.

They will have to catch me on remote dirt roads. They will have to level every forest and raze the mountains. They will have to crawl , painfully, over every jagged rock and cactus spine that my deserts put in their path. They will have to boil every ocean, drain every lake, and dam every stream.

Above all; I want to die knowing that living is the best revenge. That whatever twisted, poisoned souls seek to destroy everything that does submit to them may well destroy me, but it won’t be because I lied down and wept until I drown in my own tears. They will have to catch me first

I desire to see my wife scream at a sunset, to shout with joy at the majesty of this world’s astonishing natural wonders. I want to watch as the earth quakes beneath the crushing weight of her enthusiasm for a cup of good coffee.
I want her to know how much joy she brings me

I desire the embrace of my children. To hold them when they’re frightened and to see them overcome their own fears in time.
I desire community. I desire to bleed for something greater than myself, knowing that my life has meaning, and it’s the meaning that I choose.

It won’t be perfect, nor do I desire perfection. Nor fame or outstanding riches.
I desire dirt under my nails. I desire sand in my teeth. I desire to pick gravel from my bloodied and tired limbs. I desire the smell of desert creosote, of engine grease, of my lovers kisses to seep from my pores.

I will explore this world, and devour every adventure I’m able. I will find new roads to travel, new wildernesses to explore. With every mile, every step, I will do it as a resounding and concussive FUCK YOU to the powers that be, and all those who grovel at their feet.

I will, as a direct and conscious act of rebellion, LIVE. I will stab at the heart of oppression by living freely, by seeking joy.
By drinking deeply from the springs of community, self expression, and adventure.
By eating as many forbidden fruits of sex, love, and passion until my belly is full.

So I will deny them that last small thing, and give up the rest to the wind. While I cannot be the one to right wrongs, to pull triggers, to grind and burn and force this terrible, ugly machine to its fiery demise; I do not have to lay down and submit to the joyless misery they would have me endure.

And yet, is that not the plan of the absolute authoritarian? Am I not their IDEAL citizen? To torture a Protestant work ethic into a moral stalemate? To work and slave to justify my existence, only to hate myself and everything around me for my own flaccid submission? This is their best scenario.

The above helps no one. All of the above is an utterly and completely wasted life. Petty and impotent existence. Pointless rage. Meaningless potential. Thoroughly examined, and yet without any lasting value. Unwilling to throw myself upon the gears, but equally resistant to joy and happiness.

I’ve been living a worse, a secretly toxic option. The option where I do NOTHING. I sit and stew in my own agony, a heady mix of guilt, self loathing, and anger. Angry at fascists, certainly, but more-so at the feckless “liberals” that paint their bombs and taxes with rainbows and passivities.

Should I run? Should I sell the home my wife and my children grew up in, and seek a less oppressive regime? I lighter form of the nearly universal capitalism that pervades every modern society? Should I ignore it all, as it is not ME they’re hunting (yet) and bide my time? All unlikely solutions.

Should I take up arms and fight with the young people? Should I volunteer all of my time and energy to the revolution? Should I help plan? Help build? Help mend? Help destroy? Should I lead or follow? I’m capable of both, but seemingly have little access to either. What good is there for me to do?

What am I to do? The evil surely needs combatting, just as the dishes need doing and the trash needs taking out.
Hell, the roof needs fixing and plumbing needs replacing as well.
Should I forego all joy and laughter until these fascists are rightfully hung by their heels in the town square? (cont)

… There is also an IMMENSE amount of beauty and joy to be had. There is boundless nature to be explored and appreciated , and new communities to engage with.
There is friendship, love, sex, art, adventure, peace and freedom to be wrung out from this life like a sponge… (cont)

… There is an IMMENSE amount of suffering in the world. My nation in particular is definitely experiencing a distinct and undeniable rise in textbook fascism, and the bad guys are here and in power. It is not up for debate. There is no question of their motives or ideals.
… (cont)

I’m coming to the realization that I have one particular decision I have to make when it comes to the direction of my life:

This decision revolves around how to combat the ugliness and evil that continues to resurface in the form of overt fascism and oligarchy.

And I have been STRUGGLING… (cont)

Lately I’m having more difficulty with the whole game of “Is this really the Apocalypse or is it POOR! MENTAL! HEALTH!” You’d think I’d be pretty good at it by now. I’ve been playing it for about 40 fucking years.

Is this glamorous and sexy? Not conventionally, no.

But it sure feels that way when you start seeing results.

Eiogharan starts the redemption arc we’ve all been waiting for

Suvi is forced to choose between the lies she’s being fed and the Truth.

We find our adventurers at the head of a rebellion underground.

Keen gets got. Keen gets got again. Keen gets got at LEAST a third time for good measure.

I got to work early so I could sit in my truck and listen to the last 30 minutes. I was still late for work because that was a MISTAKE.
I didn’t account for the time it would take to reach my emotional baseline after all that.

Unprecedented, uncertain, and unpredictable times. The best response? Do things that ARE precedented in your life that predictably bring you as much certainty as possible.
Build budgets and routines. Stabilize your money the best you can. Keep your promises. That’s how you say FUCK these times.