ryan is a jewish guy in space

her: wow, that’s it? i thought you were gonna tell me you’re a furry or someone

me [using my foot to lightly shove the chuck e. cheese mask back under my bed]: haha nope, just a micropenis

she’s got a ticket to ride (the shrek merry-go-round)

I actually do find the male body image back and forth a little obnoxious. There's undeniable truth to men shaming other men's bodies, but the discourse is now bordering on reverse body shaming, which means we learned very little about discussing these issues from when the subject was women.

The fine line between "IDGAF if you like me, bro" and being an asshole is thin, which is why I do my best to be considerate and not annoy strangers while being absolutely, utterly annoying to everyone I care about, explicitly by design.

ok, it was only one time and i hadn't had coffee yet, but we can all agree his actions constitute a war crime

no please, let your kid scream in the coffee shop between intermittent coughs and the slamming of toys everywhere

at some point when you’re so broken the only thing that will put you back together is more shards of glass and yes this made sense to me before i wrote it out just now

the sky is blue. the ocean is blue. but at night, the sky isn’t blue, and when i drink water, it isn’t blue, and when i drink piss it’s actually closer to green. what do you guys think this means

psyche!!!

Hey babe you ok? you haven’t texted me “running late still” for two hours, which was an hour and fifteen minutes after we were supposed to meet up.

While you guys were busy complaining about jeffrey epstein I was out there making the world a better place by being on my phone too much so nobody had to interact with me

do you guys think it’s cute when i post my unfiltered thoughts like a teenager? do you guys think it’s sexy when i show that i have emotional depth by showing how unstable i am

i feel like even here in the burgh he’s kinda forgotten about

i’m so over this. i’m out here grieving my anxious attachment to someone by trying to fill it with someone else and it’s not fucking working?????

Ok i hit this chick up and she’s 2 hours late. Maybe i’m not picky, i’m just sick of this shit every time

me with a big ol tongue sticking out

POV you’re my penis

Rocky Horror Picture Show, more like Rocky This Movie Is Horrible And Everyone Who Likes It Should Die Picture Show

Sometimes I am convinced I will die alone and then i realize i have three people who i could call to have a nice night out on short notice and maybe im just a picky fucking idiot

Who has two thumbs and found the password to this account on a sticky note next to an expired piece of cheese

“Trench coats filled with children” is my attempt to describe this esoteric ass plural collective noun

There simply aren’t enough trench coats filled with children attempting to pass a businessmen anymore.

I told a prospective ryan-genital enthusiast that like her I am not looking for a pen pal but instead someone to eat cheese with, and if this doesn’t make her fall in love with me it was not meant to be.

Love going back to the Classics

Sometimes I write a skeet so bad on main that nobody likes it and I forget it’s not my alt

I like randomly name dropping that one of the worlds richest non-nazi billionaires follows me and only like a few hundred other people on here, because it doesn’t make me seem important, it just makes him look utterly deranged

mork cubing be posting a lot. like bro , uh desperate for my attention much?

Uho my ex and i are rebounding at the same time

Rocky Horror Picture Show, more like Rocky This Movie Is Horrible And Everyone Who Likes It Should Die Picture Show

Signing on to both spite and validate my therapist

Who's up and ready to fuck (cry)