Old Man Steve

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Some people are like a newspaper, every day they have a new issue.

Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I thought I'd lost my marbles but I found them in the refrigerator, so everything is good

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

You know you're getting old when you can get your annual dental check-up by mail

I tried to be spontaneous once but I took a nap instead

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7' to 10' tall.

I'd probably be more of a go getter if I knew what I was going to get.

"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone as president.

Warning: Graphic Imagery

ICE THESE NAZI FUCKS JUST KILLED ANOTHER CITIZEN IN MINNESOTA. WE BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS AND WE BETTER DO SOMETHING QUICK.

That awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but become the First Lady of America!

I think this waitress is hitting on me; she just called me hot plate

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.

I think I will take up country songwriting I've got the title so far "I Lost My Teeth Last Night Because I Fell In Love With You "

I dated an opera singer once, but it was always me me me me me.

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

I could be a morning person. If morning happened around noon.

Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

I'm not allowed on Disney cruise ships ever since that whole "poop deck" misunderstanding.

I'm thinking today would be a good day to just do nothing like I did yesterday and the day before and the day before that

Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.

If laughter was really the best medicine, you can bet my insurance would only cover giggles, chuckles and snickers.

Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered