I don't know too much about it

Elon musk if you're reading this you should take my advice and kill yourself. It might be the last chance you have to do something genuinely funny

Every single time I've written a shopping list in the last 10 years and it makes me laugh every time

Yep, that's right. Scientists at MIT have confirmed you can now feed your dog some onion. Great news for #dog #lovers 🤯 #science

11:55am on a monday is when the melbourne CBD comes alive

Some teens walked past while I was playing cemetary gates on the acoustic and I have to say they really did not like what I was doing

Just once I'd like the self checkout employee to acknowledge how good I am at packing my shopping bags and tell me that I have a gift

These guys are dumb as fuck, I'd be running toward the beans

6:52pm in #america. What are all you cunts having for #dinner? Probably something rank you dumb cunts

Time to kick off #cricket season! Who is excited for the #ashes? Yesterday a dog tried to bite me on the leg and I #kicked it so hard that it threw up! Mostly #bile but saw parts of a chocolate wrapper so it was a good thing in the end. Kicked it again to be sure

I think more people would be interested in playing golf if you didn't have to dress like that

My grandfather died in the storage wars

@Nicole kidman do you still like fat losers that used to play guitar?

Heading down to the Prahran markets to kick some cavoodles

IBS at night? Gribbzy's delight
IBS in morning? Gribbzy's warning
(Everyone calls me Gribbzy by the way)

So glad the performative male is dead because I really hated pretending to like indie folk

Carpenter heading off to work with a little briefcase full of wood

Pop punk band called 2 PUMP CHUMP with four songs about premature ejaculation (blaming her for it)

Hopefully this is the post that will finally get me fired

In the office you can spend an hour in a meeting with your boss and then both go to the urinal and have your dicks and balls out pretending you've never met and then go back to the meeting

I think John C Reilly and I could be great friends if the situation arises

Being heartless, gutless, legless, and brainless are all negative. Toothless is thrown in too. We can't forget about dickless. But why not tongueless? That's the organ that really gets things done

Giving someone head really means giving someone mouth, but I guess you aren't ready for that conversation

A helping "hand" is good but "footing" the bill is bad. Do you see where I'm coming from?

If I say "I have skin in the game", people like it. But they dislike it when I just say "I have skin". It's not about whether you have it or not, it's about what you do with it. But if I say I have Heart or Guts, it's implied that it's in the game. Some organs get a free pass, I suppose

Imagining a type of guy that gets pumped for this like it's a festival lineup announcement

It doesn't matter if I change the brightness on my phone. It will just go back to whatever it wants. I know this is because it does not respect me. And why should it?

Finished the "beans" Strands puzzle with such focused precision this morning. Like a test I have prepared for my entire life

When will #guys be allowed to listen to #charlixcx ? I've heard snippets of brat and it sounds really cool

All the leaves are brown? And the sky is grey? Okay sounds like a pretty shitty day to be singing about. Why not sing about the beach? Oh let me guess. You don't like the beach you british cunt

Bring Me The Horizon? How about you Bring Me The Damn Remote! #dadnation