Actual Swamp Witch

other than the way i behave constantly i’m actually a super reasonable person

this genre of post is always so vague, yet so specific “studies show ppl who are always late have the most symmetrical ball sacks” or w/e

been referring to my delusions as “The Kelseyverse” lately, surprisingly helpful communication tool

temu push notifications

shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends

lots of suspiciously affordable temu flamethrowers in my ads lately, an omen

u introducing your non binary friend: their pronouns are they/them
me: that’s what they want you to think

me on mother’s day without a mom vs me on father’s day without a dad

actually hilarious how effective peer pressure is on me, my friend will be like “c’man” and i be like “damn u right, omw”

(Strolling into a village under siege) You guys could surely use a trickster spirit to brighten things up a bit

Can somebody bring me a roll of toilet paper?

guy interviewing george foreman: please explain this gap in ur resume
george foreman: ahh, i was just grillin

bluesky is dying? do we apologize to jeremy renner? was his app simply ahead of its time?

A small plush Kirby holds a large kitchen knife as he smiles just outside a patio door

haha what if you followed me haha no worries if not haha

Bluesky is dying because you won’t repost my shit.

A young boy is seen doing homework under a street light on the side walk with a small wooden bench

A text post by X user @pookleblinky that reads “Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine" and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you'd need to pay to prevent it from being used.”

nah cause the demi gods is sayin even his shit runs uphill

there should be a 😎 emoji that is also smoking a cig

“Most students cannot pass my class” like ok? relax ur my scuba instructor not a troll bridge lmfao

that gibbous waxed as hell tn

I followed you because I heard you re-skeet anything

treating myself to some wet grapes on a paper towel

first dude to ever high five his buddy was probably low key annoyed when it caught on

at first

do you think hellboy’s thang is rocket red or more of like a burgundy

(burning alive) this is like that riddle that’s like “what weighs more a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers”

*dropping an Alka-Seltzer into the bong*

Emma Frost: You shan’t take the bird girl, Captain Ameriblah!
Steve Rogers: …are you drunk?
Emma Frost: I did a bunch of coke after taking all those shots, they cancel each other out, it’s fine.

i was under the impression at 36.5k followers there would be a harem and a large bag of money, but instead i only have $5 and still have to jack myself off