Sun Shade ☀︎☂︎

what if we made a big Roomba you could ride around your house like a lawn mower?

wait, if you're not beating them, are they just running amok? I've seen horse teeth and do not want them gnashing at me inside a rotting skull

If that's the metric, then I've only ever been kicking a corpse

I once had an argument with a dude who refused to believe that I didn’t have access to a nacho cheese gun when I worked at Taco Bell

Make the people who think they’re geniuses work cleaning up after a new cohort of software hires fresh from college

I bet their variables have the most bullshit names

Danish Zoo Seeks Small Pet Donations to Nourish Its Carnivores Donations follow a set weekday schedule under strict intake criteria to provide whole prey that supports predator welfare.

Something is amiss in the state of Denmark

Don’t like the jobs numbers? Fire the person counting

Don’t like the covid numbers? Just stop testing

I’ve just accidentally walked through the aftermath of a shooting. Fuck’s sake, Pittsburgh. Sort your shit out

Ever say “you’re welcome” after the barista gives you your coffee and a cheerful “thank you!”?

I wonder if the Academy has a protocol for revoking an award

He mocked a cop one time?!?@!?!@

y'all are fuckin embarrassing

This was easily the most confusing shit I saw all day

A friend of mine told me he didn’t really care about the recent Tea data breach because it was too “MeToo-y”

I don’t even know what to do with that. It’s like finding he has an “all lives matter” flag

Wise

I hope you ordered extra naan bread.

The sensible thing to do to Hulk Hogan's grave - assuming his actual loved ones aren't around, it's not their fault - is to lie down on top of it for three seconds, while a friend counts the pin. Insult his memory in the way that would hurt him the most; job him out.

I can’t pour one out for all my dog friends passed, cause dogs might get it, but I do really miss all of them

wait, are they saying I would have lived to 200 if not for all the hotdogs I housed as a kid?

I surely never have. I figured it was some sort of idiom, but it’s brand new to me. Now that I’ve googled it, I hope I read as ignorant and not mean.

It just occurred to me that Superman probably sees normally when he’s using his heat vision. The eye beams are outgoing, and it’s not like they obliterate other light coming their way

Dude thinks it’s more expensive to order pizza than to make it? Like a quality argument I’d get, but you can buy supplies for like twenty pizzas for like twelve dollars. Pizza might be the highest margin food if we’re only considering component costs

Wait, is that where all my spoons have gone? Do I need to start manufacturing textiles in my home to eat cereal now?

According to some of those girls she was a participant in their rape

Why the fuck would they even run a segment celebrating the life of a piece of shit?

How dare you?! Great leader controls the very sun in the sky!

Do you think the sun will never set again any time somebody references "last night"?

They should start shooting at US boats in Canadian waters to protect their citizens

The first thing I read today was that hulk hogan was dead

Hear! Hear! More dead bastards, please!

I've never gotten this shit-heel or anybody in his office to answer the phone