Happy

You could dub 31 seconds of a long drawn-out wet fart sound over this video and it would be equally as entertaining, informative, and comprehensible.

You guys will never guess who I saw at the grocery store just now.

Everyone.

“What puck are we skating to” is one of those mindless workplace metaphors that somehow escaped me from hearing it for the first time until yesterday. Today I heard it again from a different person in a different setting.

Was I late to this or is this one of those new bullshit sayings?

Going from Mike Tomlin to Mike McCarthy is like going from Jason Benetti to John Schriffen.

If these two starred in the next True Detective I’d watch it.

When you have an opportunity to cast Sam Elliott to do nothing else but sit in a wheelchair, front seat of a truck, AND a pool, you gotta make that move.

We interrupt this episode of The A-Team with this unimportant and nonsensical announcement from The B-Team.

The president wasn’t on my TV every day doing and saying stupid, racist shit.

I mean we knew his name. He’d show up like once a quarter and give a bullshit speech during primetime where half the room would stand and half would sit quietly, but that’s the extent we saw him. It was lovely.

“33 year-old Jesus Christ, who uses “he/him/his” as his pronouns, is reportedly a single man with no kids. He is out protesting in the middle of a Wednesday. I’m sorry someone has to ask, does anybody work anymore?”

Pay attention to the people in your life who said something like “my heart breaks for his wife and children” back in September, who are also noticeably silent today after the murder of a 37 year-old mother who had stuffed animals in the back of her Honda Pilot.

I’m going to say the quiet part out loud. People are overusing the phrase “say the quiet part out loud.” Not everything is a quiet part. Some are loud parts that everyone is saying out loud.

My apologies in advance for saying the quiet part out loud.

Also we should stop apologizing in advance!

Lawyer: Do you have a good suit?

Client: I have A suit.

Lawyer: Whatever you have will be fine. Do you have a hat?

Client: Of course. Detroit Lions, baby!

Lawyer: Can you wear it backwards?

Client: Step ahead of you.

FIN

Happy anniversary of Ben Folds’ final conversation with his girlfriend.

“I’m not thinking about this today. It’s Christmas.”

“Well the problem isn’t going away no matter what day it is.”

“I’m at my aunt’s house. I’ll call you tonight.”

“You better.”

FIN

I would pay every dime I have to have a list of the people in my life who voted for this. I know some, but I certainly don’t know all.

It would be worth it to literally have to start from scratch financially to know who in my life I can never trust again.

A Few Good Men is one of the few good movies I will literally always watch whenever it’s on. When Harry Met Sally is another one.

Not for nothing, he was also the best part of The Wolf of Wall Street. His anger when the phone rings gets me every time.

Today really, really sucks.

The worst and most awkward scene in movie history is on FX right now if you’re interested.

#FamilyStone
#DinnerScene
#ThisMovieSucks
#SeriouslyFuckThisScene

How much do we think the $4 milkshake from Pulp Fiction costs today? It’s gotta be a $20 milkshake by this point, right?

It was a joke. Jokes are meant to be silly. It’s practically in the definition. Thanks for your time.

Makes sense. I once put a cast on my arm to prevent a broken bone.

Today I’m going to try and finally stop eating Thanksgiving leftovers. It might be a struggle to give it up cold turkey.

I’m Brian Sharp reporting live from Chicagoland, back to you in the studio.

I’m going to need to know what followed the “but…” from the woman on the right immediately after this clip.

There is no real reason for a journalist to allow her to say those words without asking follow-up questions. A congresswoman who doesn’t understand the most basic of amendments should not be given a platform, ever.

This is not a misunderstanding. She’s just fucking stupid.

Did you see that guy doing donuts in the parking lot this morning?

Oh yeah, that's Brian. He'll do that from time to time. He stops on his way to work to get a couple Boston Cremes and eats them in his car.

I saw it but didn’t stick around.

It’s like when Kramer is explaining what a write off is.

[future narrator voice]

His “concepts of a plan” were always “fuck everyone except me, my rich friends, and people who want nothing more than to be my rich friend.”

Can you please help us get to the bottom of why he started it with “I, then state your name?”

Was he swearing someone in? What the actual fuck was this?!?

When the United States’ version of the Nuremberg trials finally get underway, put this motherfucker near the top of the list. Say his name. Charles Exum. Absolute piece of shit, this guy.